jiggity jog

I think you are setting yourself up for heartache. [p]

That is from a note that I got on my last entry. At the time I didn’t respond because first of all, I don’t often respond to notes *smiles*. But secondly because I knew that it was true. In fact, it may still be true. Part of my reason for this trip these past few days was to see if there was still anything there–if there was anything left to hold onto… to see if maybe I should give up and move on. These last few days… were some of the best I’ve had in a long time… probably since the last time I saw him. I know its awful to say that. I’ve had great days since then. But to think that I can only have my best when I’m with him? That… just shouldn’t be…
We discussed a lot of things… or rather *laughs* he told me things to try to comfort me while I cried. I’m not going to say any of it here… just because. There are some things that I prefer to keep between us. Yes, I realize that I am setting myself up for heartache. But what else can I do? As I said in my last entry, love makes us do stupid things. And I absolutely do love him. Yes… it’s going to be hard. And I may end up with my heart not just broken but completely shattered. But I’ve learned before that it’s not beyond repair.
A good friend of mine once told me that all the good things make the heartache at the end worth it. If you knew going in that it would end badly, would you try any less? Would you just give up? If you did, then you’d never experience all the good things. I guess it was his way of saying “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” I don’t know how this is going to end. I honestly do think I still have a chance, even if it is a small one. I know that it’s very likely that I’ll end up heartbroken. But weekends like the one I just had… they make it all worth it.
By the same token… I know that I can’t just sit around moping while I wait for him. Ugh and I hate that phrase, ‘wait for him.’ It makes me sound pathetic. Like I have nothing better to do than put my life on hold until some guy comes back and fills this void. Like I can’t just be by myself. I know I can be by myself. In fact, I think I do it quite well!! Nobody ever wants to be by themselves, but I think that’s why Jim wants me to see other people while he can’t be here for me. Geez… I know this sounds stupid.. and if it was one of my friends in the same situation, I know what I would tell her to do… but I just can’t. Do you understand that? I just effing can’t.
But I’m promising myself right now, for me, and for him (but mostly for me) that I won’t shed anymore tears. I’ll look at the postive side (I just had an amazing three days!) rather than the negative (It could be another two months before I see him again). And I will try, as he told me to, to actually have a life other than him. Because he can’t be my life when he’s 700 miles away.