dying from the inside out

“Nothing endures but change.” ~ Heraclitus

You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel
That I’m losing my best friend
I can’t believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you’re letting go
And if it’s real
Well I don’t want to know

Don’t speak
I know just what you’re saying
So please stop explaining
Don’t tell me cause it hurts
Don’t speak
I know what you’re thinking
I don’t need your reasons
Don’t tell me cause it hurts

It’s all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are…
You and me I can see us dying…are we?
~No Doubt, “Don’t Speak”

Today’s Horoscope:

Libra
Your sense of harmony may be tried now, especially if you attempt to turn the reality of the day into your perfect dream. It may be awkward — the more you strive for peace, the more you contribute to the tension. It has all the makings of a losing situation. The solution comes from letting go and having patience.

The worst kind of a break up, I think, is one where neither party actually wants to break up. Both people still care for each other a lot (and dare I say, maybe even love each other?) and, in fact, it is because of their feelings for each other that they almost have to break up. Because neither of them wants to hurt the other even more in the future. Which would very very likely happen if they stayed together. Because they hardly ever get to see each other and the distance would kill them both–is killing them both. She can’t decide which is worse: staying together and enduring the distance, or breaking up and hoping that they’ll eventually be together again. Hoping against hope that if it’s meant to be, it will be. Just as she’s hoped before, the two other times that she was in a similar situation. She can hope, and she can dream, but in her heart she knows that once it’s over, it will most likely stay that way. And he tells her that they can try again next summer. Next summer, when he’ll be home for good. Three hours is easier than twelve. And then they will have had a year to figure things out. He’ll know better what he wants to do with his life. And she’ll know better what she wants with hers. And they’ll both just be in a better place. Right now just isn’t a good time for either of them to be in a serious relationship. She knows what he’s saying is true. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less. For either of them. They both spend their nights crying. Thinking of life without the other. Thinking of just how hard and painful it will be even if they stay together. Knowing that right now this probably is for the best.
So now they are almost essentially broken up. Waiting only so they can say their final goodbyes in person. She hopes. She hopes that maybe when they see each other again, everything will be okay, and they can stay together and forget this nonsense. But she knows. She tries to accept it. And it hurts. She cries. She cries when she hears a song. She cries when she drives. When she showers. When she works. When she reads. When she lies in bed waiting for the blanket of sleep to take over and dry her tears. And she starts to die, from the inside out.