lack of motivation

thats what i’ve got… a lack of motivation to do anything at all… what the hell is happening to me? i should have updated this ages ago. its been 19 days, according to JM

last week at practice, my coach warned me that next year they’d be doing weigh-ins and that i needed to ‘take care of myself’… he said i should try and lose 10lbs because i was ‘busting out’ of my uniform… i didnt really take what he said terribly seriously–sure i’m a bit of a “big girl” … but the average dress size in america is a size 14 (according to cosmo, which is my new bible) and i wear a 14-16… so i’m happy–and for the first time in a while, i’m actually pretty comfortable with my body despite the fact that i’ve gained the dreaded freshman fifteen… oh i wouldnt mind losing 10 lbs at all… even 20, or even 30 lbs…. ideally, i’d like to lose 50 lbs… then i’ll be a size ten–thats the size i was sophomore year of high school–its still not tiny, and its definately not unhealthy… anyway, how to go about doing this is another matter entirely, because i am not a very motivated person… i have very little motivation for anything, even when its something that i *really* want…

so now we’re back to my lack of motivation… lately i’ve had no motivation for anything… i have no motivation to get out of bed… i literally sit in my bed, in my pj’s all day, unless i’ve got class or something else–and after i’m done whatever that is, i come back to my room, put my pj’s back on, climb back into bed, and sit on my laptop… i have no motivation to leave my room… i have no motivation to even shower–why do i care, nobody’s gonna see me? (ok, but for the record, i do usually still shower daily)… i dont even have motivation to eat… because to eat would require getting out of bed, and getting food–and then if it requires preparation, i must prepare it and then eat it… and most of the time i’m not even really hungry–i mean, lately i’ve only really been eating because i *have* to, not because i want to

this morning i put on my cheerleading uniform. it fit me the same way that it did at the beginning of the year. it hasnt fit me like that since september. i need to weigh myself.

i forgot to eat before the game today. i almost fainted. many times. i ate half a muffin at halftime. i ate chefboyardee for dinner. i want to throw up.

my head hurts.

i want to go back to bed.

i dont want to be an engineer.

i dont want to be in college, except that i do.

i dont know what i want to do with my life, except that i do.

my life goal is to marry a guy with a decent job. i want to have his kids, and clean his house, and be ready and waiting for him every night when he comes home with a homecooked meal, a glass of wine (or beer if he prefers), and anything else he desires (and you can certainly take that dirty if you want to, but it doesnt have to be)… i dont want to have to think or make decisions–i want somebody else to take care of me

i look around hopkins and i think, ‘i dont deserve this’… i got here by being naturally gifted and really lucky… there are so many people here that may not be naturally gifted or really lucky, but just work really hard… and there are still others that *are* naturally gifted and *still* work hard… i dont work hard, i dont like hard work–my whole life things have come really easy to me. i’m spoiled. dale–you accused me of not wanting to be an engineer because i realized that it was too hard, and i acted insulted… you apologized… i was insulted because you saw through me. i though i put up such a good front…. well now you know… it is too hard, and thats why i want out.

goddamit f*ing LIFE is too hard

I WANT THE FUCK OUT

i have a lack of motivation to live…. fortunately, i dont have any motivation to actually kill myself

actually, thats not entirely true.. i have motivation to live… i have great friends, and family who loves and supports me… and heck! i’ve even got a great guy who almost worships me… i’m going to a great school, and even if at the moment, i dont appreciate it, people are amazed and in awe everytime i answer the question “so where are you going to school?”…

*sigh* i have no motivation to finish this entry… and anyway i think its done