home… or not…

i saw him yesterday. alex was over at his house, and kind enough to bring him by so that i could see him–so that we could see each other. it was strange–awkward. i still have so many feelings for him, i still love him… but when we were just sitting there on the couch, i wanted to feel some kind of connection, to know that he still feels the same way about me… but it wasn’t there. i wanted *so badly* for it to be there, that i could have imagined it, but i knew it just wasn’t there… there was no spark, no connection… which makes me wonder if it was even there in the first place, or if i’d just been so blinded by love i didn’t realize how incompatible we are… or maybe i just overanalyze everything waaaaaay too much *sigh*

home itself doesn’t even feel like home anymore… but at the same time, i will definitely not say that school feels like home. in fact, *nowhere* feels like home. i feel like i don’t belong anywhere… i feel so detatched from everything, especially since i still don’t connect with my new friends on the level that i do with my old friends… but because of some of the things i’m going through, i don’t feel like i can always talk to my old friends about them… which leaves me with this completely detatched, isolated feeling, like i don’t belong anywhere (as i just said)… its so strange… its not like anything’s changed in the grand scheme of things, but i feel like an outsider in my own family, in my own neighborhood… but winter vacation is only two weeks away, and that one’s a month and a half long… so maybe i can start to feel at home again during that one… i’m just afraid that, no sooner will i start to feel at home, then i’m going to have to go back to school and start all over again…

peace,
~jen