ranting

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

ok, i seriously need to rant, but i don’t know how to do this without sounding pissed off, b/c i’m not really that mad… i just need to rant… anyways, the point of a rant is to not necessarily sound coherent, but the best place to start is usually the beginning, and so i shall do such… except that i’m not sure where the beginning begins… well anyways, here goes…. this saturday is going to be my very last cheerleading competition ever, so naturally i would want to have people there that are important to me (ahem! *coughboyfriendcoughcough*) so i asked him last week if he wanted to come… my mom would even give him a ride, since its pretty far away. He said that he’d like to come, but he wasn’t sure if he would be able to, although he most likely would. i took that to mean that he would be coming, and since he hadn’t told me otherwise, i  assumed he would be coming. maybe i was wrong for assuming… but whatever. anyway, there’s also a school dance coming up this friday night. again, i assumed that we would be going, but i asked him anyway today at lunch. he told me that he wouldn’t be able to, which i was kind of OK with, until he followed it up by saying “oh, and i can’t come on saturday either” I was like “WHAT???” although i didn’t say it out loud… but i’m pretty sure that my jaw dropped pretty far and i gave him this look like “you *have* to be kidding me” then he apologized like half a dozen times which just made it worse.. the whole rest of the day i wanted to cry… and i nearly did when i was talking to alex earlier…i know he can’t exactly help it that his grandparents are coming … and i don’t know how far out of town they’re coming from… but still– its one freaking dance, and its my last freaking competition … can’t he visit with his grandparents anytime?? and its not like this is the first time he cancelled a weekend on me because his parents were having people over… what kind of a relationship are we going to have if we can only go out every other weekend? i only see him in school at lunchtime and on wednesdays at debate, and that obviously doesn’t provide a relationship-building type of atmosphere. he doesn’t call me, and he’s almost never online– and when he is, he’s doing homework… its not like we ever go out during the week either… he doesn’t hang out at my locker… after lunch he’s always in *such* a rush to get to his next class that he doesn’t even say so much as *see you later* before he grabs his books and runs… and speaking of books, he always has his nose in a blasted book… i swear sometimes that the only way i’m going to get attention from him is if *I* turn into a giant book… i wonder sometimes if i fell off the side of a boat at the same time as a bookshelf, which one he’d dive in to save (kind of just kidding… but i wonder… :-/) and then he wonders why i occasionally hide his book from him… but of course it doesn’t work, because then he’ll just get out some paper and a pen and begin doing homework or some other random thing… and at the same time, i don’t want to make it seem like his life should revolve around me just because i’m his girlfriend now… but it would be nice if being his girlfriend felt at all different from just being his friend… the *only* difference is that we sometimes go out on dates, and obviously we kiss and hold hands and such…

grrrr… i was really trying not to rant about ryan for the entire entry, but that’s the way it turned out… so deal with it… tomorrow’s wednesday, so hopefully i’ll get to talk to him a lil bit more… and maybe tell him some of this stuff

peace
~jen

PS: oh yea… for your general amusement, visit http://www.geocities.com/carlin_luz/stuff.html me and car were in boy-bashing moods this evening… tee hee