better explanation

perhaps this will better explain my indecision about the whole ryan thing….

i like ryan… i like him a *lot*… being with him just feels right– it feels perfect, like it fits, like its meant to be… its been a long time since i’ve felt like this about a guy, and i’m not quite sure how to act on it. you see, the last time i felt like this, it ended in months of heartache and tears… literally. what happened was (condensed version) i started dating this guy, who eventually became my boyfriend. We’d been dating for 2 months when he found out that his family was moving to new jersey just before christmas. i cried for a solid week and a half, after which i just became numb… we tried to continue our relationship via email and telephone, but by mid-february, we knew it wasn’t going to work, and we agreed to end it and see other people. (side note– i only dated two guys right after that, both of whom i consider to be *rebound* guys… since then its been 2 years since i’ve dated anyone at all) 

at any rate, how this fits with my current situation… as i’ve said, i like, and care about, ryan a lot… and i’m fairly certain that he feels the same way about me. i know what it’s like to lose someone you care about, and i don’t want to put him through the same emotional rollercoaster that i went through…

on the other hand, there are a few key differences between the current situation and my previous one… for one thing, we already know, going into the relationship, that i’m going to be leaving for college in august, and i think i can be OK with it, as long as he is… that is to say, if he’s willing to take the risk, i will  (in the previous situation, neither of us found out until the relationship had already begun… its possible that if we had known, nothing would ever have begun) secondly, i’m much more mature now than i believe that i was two years ago, and i think i can handle the pressures of a long-distance relationship, whereas before i couldn’t…

i guess what i’m saying, is that part of me not being able to make a decision stems from the fact that i don’t really know how he feels about the whole thing…

damn, this is all just happening so fast… my head is spinning… and i don’t want to make it seem like the only reason i’m dating him is that i want a boyfriend or a guaranteed date to prom… i really do like him, regardless of anything else

well, i’m open to advice, but i’d rather have anonymous advice… i’m not sure how much more “don’t worry” or “you’ll be fine” i can take from my friends… so please only leave unsigned notes (unless i dont know you, of course)

peace out
~Jen