the meaning of life
yesterday i was given a bit of insight into why i am the way i am… at least emotionally and mentally. apparently it’s called *existential depression* you can read more about it here–> http://www.giftedpsychologypress.com/aart_webb2.html
at any rate, one of the symptoms of existential depression is a realization of isolation–that no matter how close we become to another person, there is always a gap, which means we are inherently alone. It also suggests ways that parents could help children with existential depression– physical contact. Touch is an instinctual aspect of existence. it helps the individual to cope with feelings of isolation by helping them to realize that they aren’t completely alone. which brings me back to myself… in light of these new revalations, i am beginning to question whether i really ever liked him at all? i mean, what, other than choir, do we *really* have in common? Perhaps its just that dancing, a hug, holding hands, or even a simple kiss– no matter who from– would help me to confirm my existence on earth and realize that i am not isolated… i am not alone. i’m beginning to think that i was becoming so isolated, that i would have accepted the companionship from anyone who offered it to me. undoubtedly, if what happened between us had led to a relationship, it would have ended bitterly, with both of us feeling even more alone than we had before. as it stands now, i feel that i can safely call him a friend that i would like to get to know better–as friends only. as for a romantic interest, i am slowly but surely coming to the realization that i never really had an interest in him at all… it was simply the precursor to what i’ve dubbed as *the younger-guy syndrome* If you would combine the fact that i may be suffering a mild form of existential depression with the fact that i am a senior in high school, currently trying to cope with the fact that next year i will be moving to a new city, and a new school, where i will know ABSOLUTELY NO ONE, it is easy to see why i might feel alone or isolated, and want reassurance of my existence and purpose in life, or why i would want to try to hold onto my high school years by dating someone younger than me. that’s not to say that i COULDN’T find love or happiness with a younger guy, its just to say that my motives with THIS particular guy may have been somewhat skewed. therefore, i have concluded, that i do not like him in *that* way.
HOWEVER, some of you may be asking why i am still dwelling on him and our relationship, or lack thereof. i am not upset that he doesn’t want to date me… i am upset that he kissed me and then said that he didn’t know WHY he kissed me… I just gave all of my reasons as to why i might have kissed him if given the opportunity, so i’m going to be expecting a better explanation, especially if he wants to remain friends for any length of time…