Dreams come true … not free

So the doctors have diagnosed that I have Carpal Tunnel in both my wrists, and that it is at least part (if not the entire source) of the problem that has plagued my hands–particularly my left–for the past four years.

It seems that since my appointment with the neurologist, my wrists are hurting more, and I am encountering increased periods of numbness in my hands … I am unsure of whether this is because of some sort of neurological reaction to the current that Dr. Daly passed through my arms during the tests, or if it is a psychosomatic reaction to the knowledge of what is going on … either way, it is something to discuss with my GP.

Either way, I find that I am less concerned with the possibilities of what is going on with my wrists right now than I am of the mental battle that will occur when I begin to play my flute again.

After the initial incidence of wrist pains, I took a four-month sabbatical to allow my wrist to heal. When I returned, I went through some of the most trying months of mental fatigue I could have ever imagined … I still had occasional pain, had lost dexterity, and was watching classmates fly past me in skill and development … In my mind, I was still the student who studied with the Principal Flautist of the Vancouver Opera and prepared for the second-ever performance of an atonal Canadian composition … held captive by memory

Imagine if an olympic gold-medal runner was injured to a point where they had to learn to walk all over again … mentally, they know how to set world records and win medals, but physically, they have to learn to walk all over again … the frustration leaves nothing more than the ever-constant raging of anger against fate, and the question of why, until they learn that Why is not important when compared to how …

Joseph Linsner wrote it best in issue #6 of Dawn: Three Tiers …

"The universe is one fickle, but responsive bitch. Show her the proper resepct … and she will reveal herself to you"…

and so it is with this.

In 1998, I did not know how to hold a flute, let alone play it. A step at a time, with beginner books and dedication, I trained my body how to react, until I became a flautist.

Why I have gone through the pains, the heartaches, the financial hardships and every other burden and obstacle that has come into my path is not important, and why they happened I may never truly know. I do know now that none of those things were truly within my control, but that I have always had it in me to work through these things by returning to the fundamentals and taking everything as it comes.

Everything comes at a cost. The cost is my effort, and the reward, my dream …

… because Dreams come true, not free.