something wrong on the inside

on the inside of me i mean.

i think theres a part of me that doesnt want to be happy.  that part makes a big deal out of even the little things

they bug me and when i try to say whats bugging me it gets blown  off with his standard .. well im in a wheelchair its harder for me to *blah*blah*blah*

yeah ok the wheelchair makes it harder but it doesnt make it impossible it just makes things a little more time consuming, so big deal its just time!

 ok so heres whats bugging me.

hygene

i know to bring it down to 1 word makes it sound silly  but its true

i shower atleast once a day sometimes twice depending on what ive been doing and even on occasion i do what my ex calls taking a ‘whore’s bath’ which is just to brush your teeth and wash your underarms and privates. and i know this may seem excessive but no one wants to stink.

atleast i dont think so

so what blows my mind is he hasnt showered in nearly 2 weeks and he hasnt changed his clothes either. which would be bad enough on any normal person. but on him its worse because he has an ostomy bag and cathiter so it keeps everything we can flush away and get rid of. and yes accidents happen. his bag will get a hole and leak and instead of cleanign it up hell just take a damp towl at best and rub it off.

i dont want to hug that or sit near it or anything else.

im sitting 6 maybe 7 feet from him atm while he sleeps and i can smell him from here.  its absolutely a huge turn off

ive told him nicely and ive even gotten him to just take a shower with me.. fun and effective!  but today im afraid i wasnt very nice.  

i love him i do

but i cant see myself staying if this keeps up.  i want this to work between us but i dont want to be his mother.  i shoudlnt have to tell him he needs to shower or to pick up his stuff off the floor. hes still got laundry from 2 weeks ago sitting on his dresser

it all seems like small petty stuff but i know all too well just how quickly the small stuff builds up.

shoeshine is right when he says communication is essential

i try to tell him how i feel and what im thinking. hell he gets upset when he thinks i havent told him something.  i cant make him understand that i dont have to tell him everything as long as i tell him the important stuff. shit he wants to know every little thought. but i tell him the important stuff thats what matters

i dont think he and i will be getting married, not any time soon anyway

not until  i can resolve this.