this thing
what it was
i dont know what it was other then .. love gone wrong
not in that horribly bad it can never be fixed kind of way.. but it can never be repaired and made to be the thing it started out as. and im ok with that. i still love my ex i always will because love for me is not a thing i can just turn off and on like a light switch. but i dont love him like i used to.. its changed.. its more of a friendship kind of love, but its more because it used to be more. if that makes sence.
so
what it is…
is love gone wrong and repaired as best we can. i cant wipe away 11 years and pretend that he doesnt know me better then anyone else in ways that no one else will every know me. but there are ways he should know me and doesnt and thats part of what was wrong i suppose. i know more about him then he does me and i guarantee i know about his new woman then he does.. which is sad really. but its the way he chooses to be by not letting himself be open and not fully trusting anyone. but thats not the point.. the point is.. it is fixed between he and i.. to a certain degree. i cant say there isnt still a little hurt and anger but for the most part ive let it go … so what it is ..is like a broken vase with a few pieces missing. just enough that it isnt what it used to be.
what i want it to be…
oh theres so much i want it to be. just not with him. i want to look forward to coming home after work or to look forward to him coming home. whomever he may be LOL. i want it to be love and respect and laughter and hugs when your sad and just quiet nights on the couch not talking but just touching hands while he watches tv and i read or vise versa… i want it to never be going to bed angry or waking up and sighing because its another day with him. i want it to be sparks and fire and smoke with ice and rain and thunder. does this all make sence? im not sure … but it does to me. but most of all i want it to be mutual. i never want to look in his eyes and wonder .. does he feel this too? because ill know. hell tell me and ill feel it too. but theres so much more that i cant even begin to put into words! but its out there.. i know it is. i just have to find it.
namaaste
J
Well said friend, you deserve your equal and this very kind of relationship. I hope he finds you soon, whomever he is. This entry sort of hits my latest entry, hugs…how is your head doing?
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