little black spot

theres a little black spot on the sun today… thats my soul up there… The Police

i dont know why that song has been in my head today.

ive had tons of things i wanted to write today but i cant think of a single thing now that i have a moment to sit down.

lilman will be going to B’s for xmas. i have my doubts but hes going to go. B failed to keep his word yet again and didnt call lilman tonight. it pisses me off his total disregard for lilman. and yet for lilman’s sake i have to let it slide because he just doesnt see it. lilman loves his father and in his own way B does love lilman.. he’s just… i dont know a word for it… whats a word for a man that claims to love his son yet doesnt call him more then once every 2 or 3 weeks and half the time forgets to call him when he tells him he will.? aside from a$$hole… my heart just breaks knowing that one day lilman will find out the truth and see his father for what he really is. especially now that B has a son with G a real biological son. B always said it didnt make a difference to him but he’s proving every day that it does. poor lilman i just want to take it all away and make his world perfect. make him happy and take away all this pain i’ve caused him. i just wish everything had turned out alright.

someone suggested i tell B about my ‘little buddy’ (that being my brain tumor) but theres a reason i didnt before i left and theres a reason i dont now. and i bet you can guess w/o even trying. because he doesnt care. if it’s not about him or something that directly affects him he doesnt care. oh hes perfectly capable of making the ‘right noises’ the omg im sorry and the is there anything i can do. ive seen him do it for 10 years he can act perfectly normal when he wants to. i have no desire to hear him speak words of ‘loving support’ . the time for that has long since past.

what amazes me the most really isnt B. its me. it seems i have this wonderful ability for self delusion that i never even realised i had until it was too late. i let things go on too long.. hoping that i could make things right that we could make things work. and for a while i thought ‘we’ were trying. but we werent it was only me and my delusion. im surrently laboring to remove this little faux pas of mine. i cant believe i let it go on so long. but i guess even the illusion of love is better then no love at all. or well it was

ive been praying a lot lately. i know i know im not religious.. not really. spiritual but not religious, thats me. i am useing the wrod prayer VERY loosely. i find myself looking up at the sky and talking to .. someone? something? not god really. well not the xtian god anyway but not buddah or kali or anyone else.. just whoever is supposed to be up there listening. im not sure if anyone is listening anymore. and really i cant blame them. to see what humans do to each other every day why would anyone or anything want to answer any prayer from any one of us?

ahh well my nose is bleeding again .. gross as it is the doc actually said they are a good thing. they release some of the preasure the tumor causes. but soon enough i wont have to worry about it much longer. well hopefully if all goes well .. YAY for experimental surgery!!

Namaste