you never know what you have until you’ve lost it.

how did things come to this? is it karma? iis it just stupidity? is that just life? how come when i break up with this girl i can’t stop thinking about her? and i figured maybe it would just be time. maybe it would turn out like it always does. but no. over a month since i broke up with her and still i can’t stop thinking about her nad thinking that i possibly made the biggest mistake of my life. well… that’s a bit overdramatic, but you know what i mean. the worst part is she’s exactly like me, or exactly like i was and now she won’t talk to me. she goes out of her way to let me know too. now, i know she doesn’t want a relationship right now, which is fine. i’ve reconciled that fact. but that doesn’t mean that i still don’t want her to be part of my life. because i do want her to be a part of my life. even if it’s just friends. we had been friends for over a year before we even started dating, and she was quite easily one of the best friends i ever had. we talked about everything. we got along, we clicked, and we had fun together just hanging out and shit. and we dated and things were good. better than good, they were great. we broke up and now i have nothing, and it sucks. and the absolute worst part is that it’s my fault. what can i say. i didn’t cheat on her or anything like that, but i did get angry and brought up the breaking up part and couldn’t control my temper and pushed her this far away, and no matter how much i try to show her how much of a mistake i know that was, i can’t undo what i’ve done. and the only reason i did that was because that’s what i had always done and it always worked for me. i have never regretted things like this with any of my other girlfriends and i’ve always been able to just shrug it off, but now, i feel so utterly miserable that i don’t know what the hell i can do. fuxor. i wish there was something, someway to just get back to at least where we started before we were dating. and patience, while it’s generally one of my better traits, hurts. not knowing what she’s doing and if she is moving on, or anything like that, hurts. more than anything else. just being able to imagine that possibly she’s off doing whatever without me while i sit and wait for only the possibility that she might want to talk to me, and she’s happy with it is the most painful  thing in the world. normally i would count on getting angry to get me through this, but ehat am i angry at? not her. me? the situation? the fact that i know it was my fault? everything i feel is so unfocused, i just don’t know what the hell to do anymore. {random note: i’m not really an advocate of burning bridges, but i do believe in putting up toll booths.} i hate… something. and i’m mad enough at something else to hit something totally different, but there are no targets and i just don’t know what the hell to do. blah!!! even this entry feels totally unfocused. i’m going to end and try to get back to work. but that holds no escape from being where i am. i hate this.