well well well, what have we here?

Santa claus?! OOOOHHH! I’m really scared!

rant rant rant, rave rave rave, i’m an emo bitch…

good. now that i’ve got that out of the way. It’s funny. in my mind i never understood why people make attachments. bonds with other people. why tie yourself to someone who could potentially just hold you back from whatever it is you want out of life. I’m not saying that being attached and having those bonds are burdensome, cuz sometimes they’re not. i guess most times they’re not. maybe it just dpeends on how you handle being attached to another person, or how much you care about another person. but is getting attached worht the risk? honestly? Maybe just as much as it depends on the person your getting attached to it also depends on yourself. but then what does that say about me? this calls into question how much do i really actually care about the peolpe i say i care about. last time i wrote about how i didn’t care when katie left if she would come back and if we would ever be together. and it was true. it dind’t upset me in the least. now with kristin, i know i would be upset if we broke up. so i assume that means that i care about her more than i cared about katie. and whenever i’m with her, i know it’s true. and whenever i’m talking to her i know it’s true. it’s at those times when i’m completely cut off from her that i wonder what the hell is going on? and the worst part is i blame her just as much as i blame myself. because my dumbass can’t get past the whole can’t trust people mentality that i’ve set up for myself. it’s just way too hard to trust somebody sometimes. and sh’es never given me any reason not to trust her, i just inherently don’t trust people that i let get that close to me. mainly because i never believe that people should trust me if they ever let me get that close to them. but, and here’s the real kicker, as much as i wouldn’t trust myself like that and i don’t think other should either, i work so very hard (now as opposed to 2005) to not betray peoples trust.
patience. i won’t worry about it. i know that it’s basically just a paranoia on my part and i’ll wait until it’s gone. cuz i’m sure that given enough time together then i will get over it.
ever notice how it’s easier to talk to the person you really want/need to talk to when they’re asleep on the phone. and you know the instant they wake up you’ll have nothing to say? iahte taking the risk, but i want to believe that it’s worth it in the end.