my insanity ensues

i already knew. these past few weeks for me have been so difficult. i wasn’t happy unless i was with him. i held my deception in an other wordly view; it happened outside of me. i saw the signs and did not stop it. i couldn’t, for whatever reason. then came the eruption. it bubbled and choked me. then it erupted again when i ran. ran to the witch’s hut, the safest place i could have gone, given that quick silver that roused my blood in the dying light of the faces splayed across the screen, forcefully laughing, smiling so big and looking so cute. all to become a mask. and i did not fear as i should’ve. i sat there, tempted by what, before then, i had only read about in books, specifically The Good Earth. and for the first time in my life, someone cared enough to seek me out without  me having a cry, calling, reaching out in the smallest way. he drove, looking for my car, thinking of what he would say to me. and at the same time, the witch stood and yelled at the captain, cursing him for his miserable ways and the drips of crimson that hung from his lips. but soon it smoothed over. so soon.

why?

because i knew it was to come. the real reason why i cried every night for the past two weeks after letting him go and seeing the something that was there burning in his eyes, the something that i didn’t know.. yet. i knew why my musik stayed so dull and my heart just wasn’t into the steady pulses. i know why i came to myself, realizing i was sitting there, blankly thinking or maybe just not thinking at all. i was waiting. waiting to be told what was wrong. i had my tears at the initial shock, but now, it’s almost like i’m relieved. i’ve been hurting from this for so long, that now that i know.. i feel better. it makes sense. tonight, on my way home, i put in my musik and jammed all the way home. i screamed a lot at first, with system way up, but i didn’t cry. and now, i’m looking forward to going back to see him, because what it is is finally out, for him and me. and that’s why i did not fear; i knew that he couldn’t leave me when he still had his own demons to confess to me, some wrong to bring to my attention. and now also marks the beginning of a true test for us. if i can keep my honesty with him and he can voice his life with me, then..

~dc