caught you like a hurricane

part of me died today, in trying to do the correct thing. i decided, too late, to be honest, and now he’s gone forever. not in actuality. he just says that now i’m to be a tool, used for his entertainment and, i assume, his gratification. but i don’t know if i can anymore. i mean.. he’s hurt me by treating me like he has, and now this. i’m sorely tempted tonight to revisit the white room. it somehow seemed cozier than here. i feel empty. i feel like a demon. all because i lied. i lied to him, to his face and held mine straight. i lied about cigarettes and going to anita’s once. now i feel i am to be overly punished. and so it is deserved. i don’t know what to die. i just want to go home, but i’m scared that if i take my own life that it’ll only mean steps backwards into hell. but it’s not a huge request. i just want to go home and quit feeling. that’s it. and who knows? if i die, maybe reincarnation is real and i can try again. maybe there’s really nothing and once i’ve died all the way i will never exist again. i’ll never think or cry or worry. it’s so tempting.i just don’t know what to do.

if anyone ends up reading this, could you leave me a suggestion of what to do or how to think. i’m up for anything now, including the suggestions of strangers.

and if nobody reads this?

how would that be different from me walking into my living room and having no one look up to say hello?

~dc