no matter how hard i try-

i’m nervous. very much so. i had nightmares that didn’t seem very unrealistic. he hasn’t responded to my notes on IM. i’m worried that this is closing. but why? nothing has really changed except his faith in me.. but last night, the look in his eyes, fabricated or not, tore through me. i don’t want him to kiss or hug anyone else like he does me. i want all the kisses and glances and lip biting. i feel shut out of his life and home. isolated from his kid and his jealous best friend and his life. i get about an hour and half to see him, plus another hour traveling time for me. he gives me no money for gas, nor any breaks on our h.s., of which he takes most of mine. so what do i do? give up this great person in my life for a little piece of mind? because i feel this isn’t fair to me? because he has a thousand ways to check on me to see if i’m being loyal to him, but i can’t even cry in front of him without him getting shitty with me. so i’m worried, but kayleigh and anita are there for me, along with my momma. so, even if he rips my heart out and fucks her on tape and mails it to me :glares at jemmy: i’ll get over it somehow. i mean, nita got over her mark, so this should be no problem in comparison (though i still wish this was completely different).

but yea. so i’m at class listening to this debate going on. next i get to go and pass time in my history class, the midterm of which is on friday. O_o then i’m heading to nita’s. she’s been stressing about her school but still being very welcoming and conversational with me, which has been helping my nerves a lot. i’m beginning to think of her as the mentor i should’ve gotten when i was five, but i’ll take it 15 years late. better than never. in fact, during conversation as a thought and not a planned statement, she’s mentioned that she would like to think of me as a daughter (since she has no children of her own) and for me to think of her as my second mother. she said that she’d love to see me grow up, get the degree, find the right guy for me (she’s convinced that the captain isn’t my final destination) and bring over my children to see her (go say hello to auntie nita.–come here child!–AHH! maymay, she’s so scary!). no one has ever shown interest like that in my life. i’ve had guys want to join in marriage, but i don’t think the future ever crosses their mind.

TBC…