::sniff::

i can barely express how much he’s hurt me today. first, he comes over in the morning which was nice and says let’s go smoke. i change into a shirt and he tells me he’s horny so we start but he stops about two minutes in and says he can’t and i said that i felt like i wasted the time we had because we fucked instead of going out and spending the time in his car talking. he gets all insulted about it and makes me feel horrible, saying over and over that he’s a big waste of time now and i’m crying trying to tell him that’s not what i meant. so then i went and took a bath and cried the whole time, seriously considering never having sex again bnecause whenever we do it puts strain on te realtion. besides, he doesn’t even like having sex so i feel horrible every time we do because i know he’s not enjoying it like i am. i know that compromise is good, but no matter what he tells me it seems to still be a chore for him. plus, i don’t ask for anything else except that. i feel i’ve been pretty understanding about this whole ordeal and all he does is ignore me. why? because of her. yes, whether or not he or she likes it, most the problems we are having are stemming from her, because she’s acting like a child and saying she’ll leave if she doesn’t get her way and he says he’s putting forth this effort because of nikki, but i think he doesn’t want to lose her either, which is fine because they’re friends and all, but it’s killing me, but since i’m new, i have to put up with all these little quirks. and, on top of it all, he’s an unknown hypocrite. he tells me he wants to see me when i break down and crack, but when i teared up this morning he said that when i cry it makes him feel like he’s being manipulated. what? no, that’s what you’re doing with everyone else. my only rule is tell the truth and i really hope he is.. but some things are going to have to change. i don’t like not hearing from someone for days at a time. i don’t care if ‘that’s how i am’, i want, if nothing else, a good morning on a messenger or a goodnight text. something to let me know that i haven’t vanished from his thoughts altogether, which i think happens more often than he’ll admit to me.

i guess i just don’t know what to do. the (few) times we get to spend alone together is so nice.. and he knows me better than anyone, as far as histories go. no one else knows about that except tom, whom i don’t count because it freaked him out. so i’m stuck. the kid and his girl on the top of his list and i have no idea where i stand with him. i’ve been putting him ahead of everyone else lately, and now i wonder if i’ve just been being stupid this whole time. i’m scared he’ll leave, i’m scared he’ll drink and fuck her and not tell me and i won’t find out until she tells me.. again.

oh heart, please don’t break. you’re already so patched over. i cannot lose my heart. you’re the only thing i have left that is even remotely mine.

~debbi