don’t worry

so it’s not so bad. he found out about my manic self today and he didn’t try to coddle me (too much) and he didn’t pry. he just wanted to be let in. if you had watched it, you could’ve classified it as kinda corny, but it did help to climb out. sometimes it’s so difficult, esspecially when i gotta do it alone. othe times, it’s super hard because the whole i’d-be-better-off-killing-myself mentality takes over and when i argue with myself, i don’t always win. so it’s scary. but i don’t know. i’m still terrified that i’ll do him more harm than good, but i guess that’s just one more thing i should work on. i wish i could go visit him now, but i’m worried max would bark and get my rents all riled, so i won’t go. but that won’t matter soon! i do still want to move out into jeremy’s house with danny and i think i will, if only to get away from this place.

you see, i had a revelation, or rather, kitty did. i told her how i only had a manic attack (MA) two maybe three times in the nine months or so i lived down in chucktown south cari. now i’ve already had two since i’ve been back and i’ve barely been back a week and a half. she simply said ‘because of mom. high stress.’ i never even thought about that, but it makes a lot of sense. after all, she’s only been picking at me since i got back here. i mean, i love to hang out with her, but she should know by now that i’m not going to change too much and she still can’t accept that things are different from the world 30 years ago. i’ve barely talked to her today and i plan to leave for my interview at 10.30 tomorrow at 10ish and just leave her a note or sommin. i’m also going to push for her to take her name off my account and to have the merc’s title switched over into my name. i also need to switch over my cell eventually, but i also have to get a new number for that since i don’t want people to rack up long distance charges when they call me.

and now it’s off to bed!

~debbi