the notebook hereafter

after many many pop-ups i have arrived here at this weakening state of mind. this diary. i started so long ago, when i wanted to write down meaning instead of prose. also to clear my head without intrusion from an outside force. three people know about this diary, not including all my random noters, which, as a matter of fact, don’t come along too often.

but here it is. sitting and waiting for me. still with the notion that those two songs control my life and the way i look at the world. it’s not strange that i contradict what i feel. a liar. a thief. a human. a girl who thinks she loves so much but continuously finds out that it’s not enough. so what about the future? now i feel good. i just finished watching the notebook with my suitemate jessica. and it’s valentine’s day, but i’ve only thought of that two or three times today before it flew out again as secretly as it arrived.

when i wake up tomorrow i’ll most likely feel content and distracted like i usually do. thinking about my statistics and german that i’ll probably have to work hard on to bring up. about my five to seven page paper that’s due thursday. about how i need to clean. to study. to go to the gym. to eat better. to not eat at all. to think that i don’t care. to know inside that i do. i guess our lives are sort of like poor ali in that place. only every once in a while do we realize something so vivid and important and then it’s gone. we go from feeling that beauty is everywhere and that love does create miracles back to reality. the streets are dirty. the nights are cold. guys only buy you flowers when they’ve done wrong and expect sexy sex later.

it’s so much easier to just lay down with someone. but no one ever gives into what they want to do. it’s all made up of shoulds and needs. maybe our wants are just too fantastic to achieve. to climb over bright green hills when it’s warm and breezy beneath the bluest of blue skies at day. to dance looking amazing at dusk in candle light. to feel warm and maybe safe. if only for a minute. but people want forever and i know i’ll never get to do that. i’m in no movie and this is no novel with a swift plot change just around the bend. my day and dusk will always be dreams. even if i find someone who’s willing to live with me and possibly marry, i doubt we’ll ever be in love. actually, i doubt i’ll ever know what love is, although i do it every day.

first corinthians? it’s a truth to live by. but can we find it? once i finish this i’ll most likely turn on my television and plan to work on paper tomorrow or try to think of an excuse to put it off. i’ll go get my last frap out of our fridge and finish it along with the popcorn i bought earlier. not particularly hungry, but it’s there and i’m here; it’s food and i’m fat so it evens out. i’ll think about getting up early to get some fruit and go to work to stop part way through and walk to marion square if nice. plan to go to the gym. eat healthy. gain some will power. if i just had a reason, i think this would be so much simpler.

but there isn’t one. i can hear the hamster hidden in gwinna’s closet, so i’ll have to bring it out to the common room or be kept up all night with her on her wheel. family guy and futurama come on at around two, i think. my stomach hurts and i have medicine to take to make money to waste. if only living were as simple as finding your meaning and embracing it. most, if not all, never find anything. they convince themselves of love and reason and passion. it hardly ever sustains them. just as singing is one of my greatest strengths, i doubt i’ll ever do it again, except for alone or perhaps in someone’s church. if i could have made a decision, i could have gone somewhere. but everything is too risky here. nothing is safe. safe is what all people want.

so why don’t i want it?

~debbi