dry-mouthed and tired

i am getting so tired. i can’t wait for fall break, but it’s still 18 days away.

and i think i know what i’m going to do. i’m going to ask nick if i can stay with him those five days that i’m out. if he doesn’t want me down there or is too ‘busy’ or whatev, than i’ll know he’s not rilly committed to this relationship. i was thinking last night that i should talk to him sooner (like today) but i said before i’d wait until break, so i’m sticking to it. it just doesn’t seem like he’s willing to try anymore. he even puts down what i say when i try to cheer him up. he keeps saying no and that what i say isn’t right. like when he was crushed by ali, i tried to tell him it wasn’t the end of the world and that things aren’t so bad. i was corrected and told that life was horrible. when i said it isn’t so bad, he told me that yes, indeed it was.

you know, the point of having/dating someone (other than to screw like bunnies) is to turn to them with your troubles and listen to what they have to say. he doesn’t want to listen anymore. i’m giving him the benefit of the doubt, and assuming that he’s just had it rilly hard and that he needs to focus on different aspects of his life, like darren and ali. darren is worse and ali turned out to not be a good friend. and along with darren, they’ve only recorded six songs. on the upside, he needed to get out of that job anyway, but now it’s on his work record that he got fired.

i know i have to be patient and just wait for him to get things together, but the way things are going, i don’t know if i can. it seems like i know him less and less. he’s not online anymore, he never writes, he rarely calls me anymore.. i just wish i knew what he wanted out of this mess. if he honestly does want to stay with me, then i can try and be patient. howev, if he’s just holding on to this because it’s some stability in his chaotic life, i don’t want to be that.

i’m pretty sure i want to stay with him. i mean, i know i always wait for his calls and when i was at home, i was always on the lookout for his letters which never came. i’ve been doubting he even rilly wrote them. okay, one letter gets lost, but two? and then he even admitted to not writing those others. i just don’t know what to do.

‘i don’t want to be your malt whiskey hidden in the bottom drawer.’ she knew what was going on.

~debbi