i broke apart my insides

so i stayed up late on mud again but to what avail? none. as usual. i don’t know it very well and nick tries to be helpful by saying that he still makes mistakes and he’s been on there 10 years. but it’s not mistakes that i’m worried about. it’s the people.

on homeland, bc there was so few, you made friends easily it seemed. guc fucked that up and homeland just wasn’t good. on sojourn, there’s so many people and a lot of them tend to be nice according to nick, but i can’t follow what mirlantharn is rofl’ing at half the time and when nick intro’d me as his ‘ladyfriend,’ i saw amolol smirk and i told nick (bc we were on the phone) that he would smirk and he said it was bc of the comment. i looked above and saw that i had completely missed the ‘can i have a go?’ he had said. all in good fun of course. by the time i typed ‘roll amolol’ to roll my eyes at him, we were off the subject of me and onto something else which i didn’t follow. then something was mentioned about a girl who fought super good (said by nick). i said ‘too bad i don’t.’ he said, ‘not you.’

i realized then that i should just leave. i couldn’t keep up with him and his friends and i was dead weight just standing there saying things three minutes too late. i said that i should just go and he asked why. i said bc i wasn’t doing anything and he had the kind of response of ‘well, why aren’t you doing anything? do something stupid.’ i just can’t win. i can fight and get the exp but not only do i not know my way around but i also can’t keep up which is the only thing i’ve prided myself on in this relationship.

i think that’s why this game frustrates me. if i can’t keep up the pace, i feel so much my age around him. when he sighs, i feel kitty’s age and i want to kill a roomful of orcs and present their heads as trophies.

but i can’t! i’m too damn shy to talk to most people and even if i could get over that, i’d be afraid that i would say one thing wrong and they’d want to get my yahoo or aim. i’m never good at that no thing and then i’d be accused of being a continual victim which i AM so here i am again. do i quit a game i kinda like and can spend time with nick at to get half his attention at yahoo and feel idiotic or try to swallow any fears i may have and let the game swallow me?

i am such an idiot.

~debbi