send the word to the be-ware!

so there i am.. minding my own damn business on zmud when bang! i have another admirer.

i hope what nick says is acurate and he stays away. howev, he’s *cheek*’d me coming in and other times and i think maybe he’s just a lil creepy. plus, he’s always defiling nick when we talk. calling him a ‘knoe nothin newbie ingrate.’ i dunno. when he said with what he knew of nick and what little he knew of me, he knew i could do better, it made me think. i hadn’t thought of trying to be with anyone else and it made me stop to think. DO i want to try and be with someone else? would it be comfortable for me? would i want to leave nick? all immediate answers were no, but i thought it strange that i’d never seriously thought f the question before, although nick had posed it to me about a thousand times before.

but even more importantly then that (swift subject change) would i do alright in the army? i’m meeting with a recruiter tomorrow morning at 10am, just to get information, but what the hell am i doing? me? lil miss fat-stuff who can barely walk a mile in ten minutes? who has no motivation to even think about dieting so she maintains the weight she wish would just fly away? she who wishes instead of does? wtf do i think i’m doing?

of course my mom is against it. first thing they do is put you thru a boot camp (9 weeks) and then train you for four years, but they PAY for everything. just think. they wouldn’t have that debbi-college-dent in their wallet. hell, i could give THEM monies.

plain and simple, i’ve been such a horrible person and a burden to them in the past. it’s time i started paying and owning up. having them pay for four years in college? possibly five if they have to pay for my student teaching as well? it’s not fair to them. they still have katie. dad’s gonna take a half-wage cut in two years and I will be bleeding them dry. dry to the fucking bone.

*thinks*

i bet when she was little, she used to dream of singing.

~debbi