and we’ll be..

now that i’m a little calmer (since this took forever to load for some reason) maybe i can think this all out.

it all started innocently enough. i was on the mud with nick like i have been all week and he decided to log off around three to grab a lil extra sleep since he got barely any the night before. so he left and i went outside to smoke and read more of the epic. well i accidentally finished it bc it turns out that that’s only part one of three! and i was getting good stuff from it too. i was getting good insight and it was making me think. plus i was stopping and starting bc i was on the mud so i would have time for it to sink in (be it subconsciously or while i walked up to my room).

but the big deal happened when i finished. i turned off the porch light light and decided to finish my pack (since i only had two left) and while i was sitting there i began to think. i can’t exactly remember whether it was nick who told me i don’t have to speak out loud to pray, but regardless, i began internally. then i would say things that i thought were important out loud, just to reaffirm them to myself. then i just kept talking out loud, as i sometimes do when i think i’m talking to him. the keyword is think.

so i keep talking, trying to work my way through my own thoughts and i make a tiny bit of progress when i come to a sudden confession. now, i’ve always asked for signs, working on the ‘how do i know when?’ basis. there was lightening twice and it was when i said something significant (i thought). the kind that just dimly lights up the entire sky so that you think you just blinked funny. it made me feel more sure that i was on the right track and i quit doubting myself before him.

then i came to nick. i didn’t know what to say and i still had jay in the foreground of my mind concerning that. when i spoke it aloud though, i realized that it wasn’t as selfish as me not wanting him to ditch me for seminary. i saw what i’m really afraid of for him. i know i shouldn’t be afraid or worried for nick but i do.. and it’s because i love him that i worry. when i get mad about kayleigh skimming through things, it’s bc later in life she’ll realize too late she can’t do that but she won’t SEE it until too late, perhaps. i don’t want that to happen.

so i did what i could and asked for strength to do what i knew was right now. i knew i’d mess up and still slip away at times, but i wanted to have no more lies and no more stealing. those are my two main ideals for the time.

then i looked up at the sky and, maybe to convince me, i said ‘i know you’re there because i talk to you.’ that’s probably the biggest leap of faith i’ve ever taken. i believed because it was true and not because i had some infalliable sign. maybe the lightening had given me stregnth, but I said it. then i said that even when i fall away and get lost, i find my way back through music. that’s the way i found him in the first place. through one song, i finally found a way to possibly find peace. i said ‘i can always come back to you through music.’ i happened to looked up and saw a shooting star.

i almost started to cry. my eyes teared up and everything. the next thing out of my mouth was ‘i love you.’ i meant it. i meant it. i think i did okay. i think i prayed alright. i think he heard me.

what’s the big deal about a shooting star? one, at procter, which is a spirtual revival place and a holy place, there’s hardly any lights so you can see thousands of stars and last summer, when i was there, i watched the sky, half listening to the girls talk about everything while i watched shooting star after shooting star streak across the darkest sky i’d seen. i’d never seen them before, so now i connect shooting stars with procter and with god.

and two.. tonight was humid and overcast. i thought it was going to rain, hence the lightening.

i saw that shooting star through a thick, white cloud. i saw it clear as day.

~debbi