deep inside your soul

i stayed up rather late.. early.. whatev. howev, it was very worth it.

it started out with me getting less and less into what ick is saying and more and more quiet and slightly sad, which sometimes causes our calls to end. howev, since i hadn’t been all mopey depressed and he hadn’t seemed nnoyed by me in awhile, i thought it would be alright to let him know how i feel.

we go from talking about why i’m feeling down to religion. he says he’s feeling the pull towards being a man of god. we bated him and he would answer with long winded lectures on what he wants and then he gave me something i could work with and i told him how i grew up in christ church glendale and how, quite honestly, it’s prolly the only place i can consciously call home and know i’m not lying. then he would bate me and i would answr some of his questions ith simple answers that i pulled out of nowhere that sometimes come to me when friends are in need of them. he was pleased with me.

then he started saying how he expected me to get to college and basically leave. i wanted to say ‘thank you for thinking that i am so shallow and unloving that studies and college jerks (boys? maybe?) would tear me away from you.’

first of all, it’s not going to be long distance. he’s going to live RIGHT THERE. second of all, unless he’s not what’s he’s being telling me he is (ie- he’s some scary monster from the closet or [truly] an old man) then i should be fine looks wise. hell, look at john. bloodshot and watery eyes, yellowish skin to match his teeth, chewed down fingernails, sweaty, sick all the time, two years older than me but a grade and a half behind me? he did have his good points though. his hands were strong and he liked to stay with me, he laid next to me to watch movies in his ‘room’ (nasty-ass basement), and his laugh. i loved it. he had a great sense of humor and loved to laugh.

on a quick tangent, when i first met john, he was silent and someone else’s boyfriend. in order to be someone else’s friend, i usually want to make them smile or laugh in someway. it somehow gets you into their confidence (warning- with guys, they start liking you for some reason. i think jess broke off with him bc she was starting to look away). *thinks* i really do miss him.

i think that’s what i miss now. the little things you get when someone is here. you get your hand held and yo get looked at certain ways and the tone in their voice will mean more to you bc they’re saying it to your face. nick said, last night, that he felt he had tainted things between us by making it so much about sex.

the first time we did that, i didn’t particularly want to. a lot of the times i didn’t really want actually, but nick wanted it so i wanted it and sometimes we both got it and sometimes just he got it. it didn’t matter though, even when i wanted it (after being beguiled) bc there were a few times that once he was done, he was done. so i would shrug it off and ignore this screaming self inside of me that wanted to cry bc things were going all wrong. i refused to go fruit bc i thought it would just add to my humiliation; self-humiliation. i mean, there’s nothing wrong with it of course.. it just got to be every time and it became a focus. it no longer made my stomach twist and flutter when he said certain things to me. it was just him playing the guy-doing what he was supposed to.

as for tainted.. i hope they aren’t. i least, i think i hope they aren’t. sometimes i wonder. he says he’ll come here to see me and i want to believe him and i don’t ‘know’ whether he’s actually coming or not. he may not. what i’m kind of more afraid of is that i’ll move down to south carolina and a week will pass and then another. then will come my birthday weekend and it’ll go. then it’ll be october. i’m afraid that whole time he’ll be saying ‘i AM trying to save money and move bebe. just give me time.’ i’m horrified at it. not bc i can’t make friends or sommin. i definately a people person and quite amiable. i just don’t know if i could handle that much waiting. if he hadn’t come by then (with it being a 4 hour drive and all) i’d know he’d inwardly given me up. it would crush me, i think. i feel kinda stupid for putting so much of my happiness on a guy -hell, on anyone- and.. i just hope i don’t have to pay for it later.

i’m gonna leave now. but on a lighter note, i was supposed to work today from 9-2 and i woke at noon. *sighs*

~debbi