this is what it felt like

he’s moved on. i won’t get anything in return like i’d hoped for. i shouldn’t have expected anything i suppose, but it was worth a shot. i just fail again. no big deal i guess. i never really win. i just like to pretend that i do.

will’s back too. i returned his call and went over to see him since danny wasn’t home. that was a mistake in itself. he treated me the same way he used to when inga used to come around and branden used to live here. i just know better now. i won’t waste any more time on him.

ave maria is playing and it makes me think of the guys at a cappella. they’re nice to me, but in a polite nice way, i think. i’m not sure. maybe i just don’t feel good tonite.

i remember when erik and i were IMing one night and he asked me if i ever felt lonely when i slept. then he rephrased it into just wanting to be held while i slept. it was a sad question. it was a sad night. the last time someone wanted to or tried to hold me and sleep, i pushed him away a little bit. i thought i bored him so i tried to talk to him. instead, all i wound up with was an afternoon of laziness and comfort which is good in it’s own way..

maybe i’m being the silly one now. i just know that i’ve been brushed away by both and now he’s back and i have to cast him away bc he makes me sick and danny’s never home to talk to and when i try to talk to sean, he sometimes makes me feel so stupid i can’t bear it.

silly girl. thought you had some worth didn’t you?

~lenore