the pretender

over the summer i saw her much too much. but it was easy to drive the 2 hours just to look into her eyes and breathe and remember what it was like to be alive. she told me things some of which i’m not too sure i understand and others that just cannot mean anything real. i told her that i didn’t think i should see her anymore that it was bad for me when i felt so deeply. she told me she wanted me to move in with her and her husband because i should go back to school. she told me she was being selfish and that it wasn’t fair to me. she told me that there were just certain things that he could not give her. that she was used to me. that she was rather fond of me.

used to me. i take this as an insult. that means nothing good.

she said i know you need definition and gave none.

they have rules of engagement for us. but then she tells me not to tell him anything. i feel ashamed of myself. he cares for her the way i did and sometimes still do. i feel ashamed of fulfilling her wants, and just letting him think whatever he wanted. yet he tells me he would enjoy me living with them too but that he wasn’t going to go anywhere. really do they think i would give up everything for something that would just make me crazier than i already am?

but i could feel it in her touch, see it when she looked at me. knew it when she grazed my flesh. tasted it on her lips the urge the want the desire the need. i could love her still, i could try but i don’t think i could ever trust her the way he needs to trust her.

i wrote to her last week via email. just random depression mostly, nothing asking for response but obviously wanting it. and nothing still. no words no questions no checking in to make sure things aren’t slipping away. but what did i really expect? has she not done me wrong from the first day i ever met her? she tells me she loves me and then i catch her making out with some kid.

used to me. it kills me really. i believe some lie that has never been spoken. i forget what it is to feel. i forget what it is to be loved and not used. i feel used. betrayed. hurt. why can’t i find someone who loves me for me?