shot through the heart

it was an easy thought to just look the other way to forget to not play our little game again…the thought that i could win was all too close to my thoughts. i remember the days you wanted me. how you would stare and smile or stand near me and playfully brush upon my skin. now you still want me more than i know you would even admit to me more than you should even dare. but  you’re just a big tease and i know it just someone pushing my buttons with no intention of repaying the debt you claim to owe me. blah

i still dream of a moment when i find someone who needs me like i need them. but i want it to be that unconditional love the one where there is no need for those words exclaiming the agony faced without, the one where words have meanings which fell to capture the zeal of the moments. i’ve lost my drive to find someone…seems the more i look the worst specimens i find. it used to be her….soft, smelling like the sweetest sugar, tasting like ecstacy upon my lips, it was beyond life within your arms. i could lose myself as i watched her sleep, i could feel her everything as it rushed through my veins like fire, i could remember for one instance what it meant to be alive. and then it seems it was just a lie, an experiment pushing the envelope, but i still remember how you looked as you undressed before me, the way your hips swayed as you walked towards me, how your hands felt against every inch of my body, the heat as your skin lay against mine throbbing with anticipation, and when your lips found mine it was as if i realized the world for the very first time. it’s such a nice memory and such a painful one as well…..

i watch behind an invisible wall….over the years i’ve grown madly in love with you and you haven’t a clue but how can i tell you something so off the wall. why couldn’t be easy? if it wasn’t you maybe he then i could accept being turned down if that were the case. but i catch myself just peering across the room at you. and i smile a smile that "she" knows but not yet you. i look at you and i can’t help but wonder how it would feel with your flesh pressed against mine, sweat glistening on your body, a warmth growing among our limbs, how much i want just to kiss your lips and know that you want everything and more….and i look at you and i have to erase the urge behind my eyes as i brush ever so gently by you, i could smell you, i could feel you, i could love you

but what do you do? why is it so difficult to want a woman?