puzzled

life has been a bit of a mystery to me as of lately.

sometimes i find it a bit difficult to rationalize situations, i step to far in the boundaries because i’m a little too afraid of the outcome if i break the mold. but life comes in fleeting moments. moments that seem almost surreal. in these moments, if i don’t hang on strong enough the time slips right through my hands.

it’s really quite puzzling how things play out in life. so i’ve been in this long drawn out process of trying to make my mind up about this guy i know. we’ve been talking now for the better part of 3 months and he likes me and i like him but i’m just not sure if i want a boyfriend yet. it’s been 2 long years since patrick and i had our falling out but i simply still feel like i’m still holding on. not holding on to him, or to us, not holding on to any of the feelings of caring for him, but very simply to the way he made me feel that one day of my life. i had never been so terrified in my entire life, and somehow i still hold on to it, somehow i want to hate him still for it. so i find it difficult to believe that there are infact better men than him. maybe i’mm figure it out, maybe i’ll just keep going with the flow.

and i’m sorry if by chance i did something wrong or offended you, you are a mystery indeed, but aren’t we all. i understand the confusion, the second guessing of things long since decided. if by chance i did something then please forgive me. but i’m not too sure about any of it. i enjoyed talking with you, but i wasn’t trying to make something come of it other than making new friends. no one knows the future and i don’t kid myself on believing for one second that i have everything figured out but i understand your situation. sometimes we need to reflect, we need to see that piece of ourselves that makes us who we are. so if you feel the need or the urge, you must. maybe i’ll talk with you sometime in the future, maybe i won’t….it’s all up to you because if you want me to not bother you ever again just say the word.

well it is a beautiful day, and i have it off……hmmm what to do??? it’s too early to drink the jager, maybe some breakfast, maybe i’ll wash my car. maybe i’ll do it all, to hell with early, if it’ll get rid of this scratchy feeling in my throat i’m game.