part II

i’ve been going over in my mind for days now what and how to put into words everything that i feel in my heart. so , here i sit alone for the first time in days – i’m going to try to do this thing and hopefully i will succeed. in your last letter you asked me several questions that need to be answered. but i’m afraid of that truth, just like i always was. you labeled our time beautifully as “the fire,” for you are correct. and i wonder if eventually our flame of newness would have became a heap of smoldering ash. another dangerous question i feel, another query that needs to be answered. no, it wouldn’t have been like that, for i still feel that fire within you, still. in times we are alone – the few there are – when the silence is uneasy – i feel us both think back to our minute, i feel a moment of excitement as i can’t help but “playfully” brush your arm just to be able to feel your touch, your comforting warmth. in the time we catch the other stealing a glance. or in the rare times that we are no where within the vicinity of the other physically – yet we are joined in thought as we are in heart. and i guess that brings us to the next question, the one thats so very important to me – the soulmate question. is grant? i once thought so, he once filled me with that hope. but i am beginning to feel more everyday as if i have let my soul mate go already. sure he is my companion on some level, for i believe we have many soulmates, is he my life mate, the one who can bring me the ultimate happiness in my present state? i fear no. while i long for him to be, make my heart ache with the thoughs of him, make excuses that maybe one day he will be, my essence knows that its you. i know you can feel how hard it is to admit that, i hope it means something to you.  i mean, i find myself thinking of you and the love you gave to me and wish he could give only half of that. i long for him to look at me from across a room upon my unknowing soul and say wow, she’s mine. i hurt to have him lay next to me as i sleep and be awestruck at the sight. i want him to be everything you are. i want all these things yet it seems only fair that they are not mine, for i had them. i had it all in the life we shared. and when i’m alone and i play the different scenarios over in my head i still wonder if i could have always fulfilled you. that’s one that i truthfully can not answer though i wish i could. well, i think i’ve done all i can for now. just know i miss  you more than i can say, and…..

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i cannot say that i have ever posted these letters before. never thought it necessary or what have you. it becomes a looming past i cannot escape. sometimes my heart aches more than it ever seems possible, only i know that i am sensitive and emotional. and it’s those hardest of times when you fall in love and you were never even looking for it but somehow you suddenly realize how you’re head over heels….and when it’s gone it creates a void like no other. i feel perhaps i was used, led along with pretty words because i was a writer myself, i was seduced by poetry and rhetoric…perhaps blindsided by my one-sided view of life until it was her. i cannot explain or even understand how my heart was led astray, how it was captured and tortured by someone i never thought twice about, i cannot believe sometimes that it was ever me who loved….only i remember the warmth, the tingle in my stomach, the way she looked at me and smiled, the way she smelled…

damn these tangents and all this love it smothers and destroys, gives life and takes it, corrupts and contains a world all of its own and needs no permission. i just wish love would find me that way again