heartache

i used to think that losing you would stunt my growth in life. i felt my world spinning like water tracing the drain. and i simply knew there was no getting over you, not when you really fall, you know when the world pauses for a breif moment and all that you see are that special someone’s eyes watching you and a smile whenever you are noticed watching back too. it’s easy to remember the fire burning in my heart when i hear your voice from the phone, but why you still call boggles me. you told me you loved me like no other, that you just could not live without me, you told me beautiful things and wrote me beautiful words, and then one day just turned your back on me. you didn’t even tell me you had someone else, didn’t bother to think of all the things you had told me, didn’t realize you crushed my world. only you still call, and you still come around occassionally, and i know by the way you look at me that you still want me. how did i end up talking about you? must have been the phone call. i hate you for the way you can still make me jump until i gather my senses. how when the phone rings your special little ring, and i feel the tingle in my gut and the urge all at once to answer if only to hear your voice. you suck.

what i really meant to write about, is how difficult i assumed it would be to live without you is nothing compared to losing pip. he knew me like no one now days even pretends to. he new all my deepest secrets and i knew his. there was trust with him uncompared and meaningful. he was a rock when i felt my ambitions giving way, he kept me steadfast, and when i felt the weight of the world caving in upon my back he stopped by for a few minutes and i couldn’t help but smile. i miss him so much that i feel an emptiness corrupting my soul. why he was so young, and so loved, and snatched away before anyone could ever imagine. it’s so hard and terrifying, unbelievable…. sometimes i know i’m going to wake up and it’s all going to be a bad dream, but it’s been more than a month, and i’m still aching and i simply don’t understand how i can move on. i’m lost without the man he was. i have pictures of him littering the room and looking at them i still can’t believe it. i miss you phillip.