thought provoking?

i miss my old friends, my old life, mostly the feeling that i had a place or meaning, somewhere i was meant to belong.

sometimes i wish i could turn the volume down on life and just pretend that the words everyone says is only those that make sense, those that fit into the scheme of my life, “but the hardest thing about life is living it”….buffy quotes…..not verbatim but close enough i would say. it makes sense….it is hard to live, hard to push forward, hard to believe in the world when all those close to you lie to your face and stab you in the back.

the cat is eating something…right back……………………………

nope he just misses you, meows to me like fuck you, you aren’t the person i am looking for….

i want to belong.

and it is hard to fall in love, hard to believe in the concept of the word after all the brain washing romanticism (if that’s a real word, it’s early and my brain is not functioning) of fairy tales and princes, princesses, and love ever after…..they mean something. they do. i believe. i really do. i believe that love will find its way into my life and that it will become my life, and the meaning i searched for will seem insignificant to the rest of the things coursing through my veins. i want to be someone even if it is just to one person. one person who i can’t even love, or one that i love who cannot love me back……stupid thought. selfish and stupid, what is love if someone doesn’t return it other than a lie you refuse to see through? what is love if you must question the reasons why you aren’t there when needed the most? what is love when only one person is in love? obsession, infatuation, stalking…….who knows…..love holds each of those. a scent that is familiar only to one person, a touch that shatters your will to resist, a look which holds you enchanted by every movement…….????

when only one person loves…..does it not drain the life right out of the one clinging on? but love is love regardless of sense….because it makes sense to let go, to move on, to quit believing that things might change——only its easier to hold on to a memory than a unforseen future filled with looming rejection or despite, but love still conquers, still corrupts, still latches on to the belief that there is a knight on a stallion come to sweep you away, take you over the rainbow, and please your ever need or want or desire, and you would do the same.

so he called me tonight but i didn’t answer, i would rather hang with good friends, the company of those i still know i can call that, and i missed you as did the others asking how you were, even mom and dad, you were part of the family even if it wasn’t what you were hoping for….but yeah, he called and i should have answered, but i don’t want to fall for anyone, i don’t want to give it that chance, i don’t want to hurt that way ever again. and i know this is pointless, love comes, it goes, it invades civilizations, and conquers worlds, …….and i cannot focus on the words anymore……..but it breaks the strongest will and rules the weakest.

maybe i sound like i know what i am talking about but i do not. i fell in love once…..head over heels, no looking back and i sometimes i wonder if it was all a game, if my words were taken advantage of because i wrote them to you for you and you wrote back, beautiful, heart touching until you broke my heart. you told me you loved me and i could never say the words and you blame me no matter what i wrote because these words are me, they are me, and you needed to hear a voice i had never found within myself and then that fateful day i saw you there without me while i was supposed to be asleep, and maybe i was supposed to be doing something bad myself, but i was thirsty and i  had awaken to find myself a drink of water, and there,…..there you were without me, with someone else, and i lost a world within myself, a world that gave me hope and desire, a world that held me to the ground, a world that painted a beautiful sunset with you there with me. but it was not me, it was someone else, but you told me you loved me, you wrote me enthralling possessing words that held me within your reigns and i feel the pain like i was a pawn in your game or a fucked up mistake because i know you have quite the few sense i have known you….but my view has never changed and i still hear the sound of silence and feel the pain withing my heart reaching for you as i cried that moment but you didn’t know why as i brushed your hair while you spoke to someone else on the phone then clung to my within your sleep.

but i never slept, i cherished every moment that i watched you as you slept because that was the only moment in which i knew you truly trusted me, and held on to me, but i was unsure of the thought of whether i was a securety blanket ( not sure i am spelling right anymore so please ignore any typos if you have ventured this far….) there to block out the darkness spilling in to your thoughts, and i couldn’t sleep with the light on but i did with you because i know that was want you needed…..even though it drove my crazy.

but you drove my crazy,,,, in all the right ways…..and the wrong…..we both did it i suppose to each other. but i still have your words, your letters, our notebook which we shared, and the fire like any other seems extinguished because without the introduction of new fuel it burns itself out…..and the new fuel was not me, it wasn’t my touch, it wasn’t my feelings, it wasn’t my world turning on your axis —————it was my world falling away into the universe spiraling out of control….but i love you still

i suppose not in the same way but because i know you possess a piece of me that i will never have back nor that i would want because now it is yours, my piece of me for you and you alone. i know you still feel it when you call so randomly, email short needs of sincere thought, raw emotion, something that denied the world and its principles. i know you still think about me, the way i touched you, the way i held you, the way i loved you unconditionally, undeniably(if that’s a word), the way i could see into your soul and see the last piece of you left inside not devoured by the hate and hurt within your life.

maybe now i am a hurtful thought in your life, you burned our first note book, but i remember how you undressed there before me and came to me like it was the only thing you wanted or needed or desired, and how you clung to me drunk and told me you loved me…..drunken people say the truth i believe, speak a reality that is a true as anything they could believe in, you clung to me as josh tried to carry you to your bed, the person you were to marry at one point, and i clung to you because i just wanted to feel your skin against my body, i wanted to hear you breathe in my ear, i wanted to feel your presence consume mine.

love is destructive. love is all consuming, love is the end of living your life and sharing all your pains and fears and joys with someone who can lift you up when you fall to the ground, love is something words cannot grasp, something no one can explain, something that has brought the end of civilizations, the end of religions, the end of the meaning of the word. love is only love. a feeling. a thought. a belief. a need

to believe you belong, a need to be something more than what we are, a need to know there is a meaning to the word even if words cannot make the sentence make sense. love is. and that is all there is to say. love exists, but the more i look the harder it hides.

i will not chase you anymore———– your calls i may answer, i may call, i may long, but i will not believe anymore that our “friendship” was anything capable of being a conqueror…because we gave up too easily, on something i believed in more than the words holding on to hollow dreams of forgotten fairy tales.

my old friends have dwindled, failed to prove friendship as something worth standing up for, my old friends are still remembered, my old friends still pierce my heart and my feelings bleed…..i feel the lonely, i feel the absence, but i long the same