finally, the penny drops

I know this time it’s too late.
I know this time it’s different.
And I know because this time I knew what to look for. I knew the signs. I wasn’t in denial. And I wasn’t stupid and blinded by you.
This time you were the one getting emotionally fucked up about it instead of me, for a change. 
This time I was testing you, because I could see if affected you, and I could see suddenly that it mattered to you.
Funny about that because it’s about two years too late.
And I kept my cool this time. I knew what was going on and I was entirely in control of the situation for once.
It’s a weird thing, self-control.
Your way of dealing with it is to recognise the situation, and to run away before you have to deal with how you feel. Either that, or you run away afterwards, so that you don’t have to deal with how you feel.
My way is to put myself in that situation, the one where I know I’ll lose control, the one I know I don’t know how to deal with, and to take control and deal with it. That’s what I have to do to know that I can control myself.
And it isn’t easy.
Last time I tried I lost. There’s always a point where I should stop and say no, but I always go too far.
The next day I want to kick myself, but I can at least see the point that I should have stopped.
I always think I’m strong enough to deal with the situation, to put myself through it, and use my self-control, but usually I’m not.
This time I was.
This time I won,
Because you were the one that had no self-control, and I was the one that was cool as a cucumber. Didn’t get caught up in the moment like I so often do, but I was able to remove myself, look at us from an outsider’s point of view, and stop. 
I know when things are wrong.
I’m good at that; I’m just not so good at acting accordingly.
I needed to keep stringing you along like that, so you could know how I felt.
And now you understand it, you can understand why I won’t – can’t – put myself through that again.
This could work out in about four years, you know. Once you have achieved all your “goals” and “dreams” and I won’t get in the way anymore. But I don’t think that in four years I will care anymore. Already I’m feeling jaded, tired of it all, like I’m actually over it. Funny that you still seem to think I feel the same.
I envy you, you know.  I envy that you have those goals and dreams and that you have direction and you know how to follow your path. 
Because I don’t have goals and dreams.
I live for the moment, day by day, and that is perfect for me at the moment. Because whatever happens I can pick it up and run with it, if I choose, or I can drop it if I choose. It’s a beautiful feeling, yet it scares the shit out of me at the same time.