11/05/2011

Well you told me to go write about it in my journal in your cruel voice so here goes.

I hate you so very much right now, we’ve been through so much shit lately but none of it has made me cry so hard my insides hurt, and my eyes burned like fire.

I missed you for a week, I missed you so much every time I spoke about you it made me miss you more and made me cry. I counted the days til you came home, the hours on the final day. When I called you and you said you were still 500km away I was so mad, it was already 8pm I had made you a special dinner I’d been waiting and waiting and waiting to see you, to hear from you all day and you still had 3 more hours to go. After that third hour passed and still no word I just grew tired of waiting, and when I was woken up by the cops knocking on the window I was terrified and then relieved it wasn’t about you.                                 You finally arrived home after 12:30am and went and showered didn’t even say hello, and then when I asked what you were doing all you said was " I’m going fucking out."

I was stunned.

When you finally rudely said it was because I didn’t make a facebook add about the babies I was at a lose for words, we’d discussed keeping 7, I’d spent all my free time looking at house rentals I was so excited about the appointment I’d arranged for tomorrow. But you just yelled at me then left I tried calling but you kept telling me off and saying you weren’t coming home and hanging up on me while I was speaking. I called until you stopped answering I know that’s pathetic, but I didn’t know what else to do I was so hurt.     

    The kicker was when Nina told me you were at Fame, WTF?

Out with some girls, sure it’s a gay bar but still that hurts, hanging with girls that I don’t even know about, that I never would’ve known about if Nina weren’t there. That’s great you already admitted you weren’t coming home, enjoy spending the night with some girls.

After 2 and a half years I don’t know what to do.

I was mad at you for at least 95% of October, and now it looks like it’s carrying on to November.