No means no..?

i had the day off – he had to go to work.  an unusual situation, so i decided to make the best of it.  i got a load of laundry going and scrounged for something to cook for lunch for us so j could have something to eat as soon as he got home from his first job before he had to leave for his second job.  I was proud of myself; tomato soup for him, snazzed up a bit with some seasoning, and chicken noodle for me.  toasted cheese sandwiches made with whole grain sourdough bread.  i had perfect timing: he got home just as i finished plating everything up.  we very warmly kissed hello, then he got that look in his eyes … with a grin he stripped my pants off and knelt in front of me.  i let him have his way for a minute – why not?  i was enjoying myself, and i thought it wouldn’t go farther than this moment of teasing.  but then he stood up and told me to go to the couch – what about lunch?  i reminded him that he only had about 20 minutes to eat and get to work, but it didn’t matter to him.  he wanted me, and if i hadn’t just spent a half hour trying to make a nice lunch to be just right when he got home and he hadn’t had only a few minutes to eat, i would’ve said "let’s go!"  but i wanted to sit and eat with him – to enjoy a quiet moment that we hadn’t had the opportunity for in weeks.  i kept trying to get him to stop, but he wouldn’t – he didn’t understand that i was serious about not wanting it right now – i know i haven’t said no often – if ever – but shouldn’t that make it even more important that i’m saying it now?  when i finally got him to stop, i started to cry.  he was imedeately apologetic, holding me and saying he was sorry over and over, promising to listen to me better from then on.  i believed him because when he promises a thing, he keeps it.  but still – the fear – the confusion when he wouldn’t listen … and the frustration that i still want what he was going to give me.  it’s not that i didn’t want HIM, i just didn’t want it THEN.  everything would have been just fine if he would have stopped when i asked him to …

it’s not betrayal, but the feeling is still there …