The Battlefield of the Mind

People may say that eating disorders are only for insecure girls who dont like the way their body looks, but that isn’t always the case. If someone was to look inside my mind they would see a battle of life or death.

I’ve been reading Joyce Meyer’s book titled The Battlefield of the Mind lately and my mind really is a war zone..

The eating disorder and the depression are so tangled together that they feed off each other.. If i start becoming depressed I start pulling away from food so that I can focus on other stuff and then that leads to me becoming sick and frustrated and that leads to more depression..

I’ve aways been tall and skinny and always a few pounds underweight but now Im between 20 and 30 pounds underweight and I used to look horrible.. My mom told me once that I looked anorexic and that day something in my head clicked and I whispered to myself "because i am".

People constantly tell me that I need to stop punishing myself for the events that have happened in my life and that have hurt me. I never thought I was. I was just trying to find a way to cope.

My brain goes a million different directions constantly.. It overloads sometimes because I do not know that right thing to do.. I have trouble remembering things and making simple decisions..

I’ve ended up lying on the bathroom floor a few times because I was so dehydrated that I didnt have the strength to get back up… I get shaky and I feel hot but chilled at the same time.. I bruise super easy and that bruises take forever to go away.. Im constantly cold so I always have a jacket with me.. Im tired all the time and my mind is weak and vulnerable.. I broke down crying the other day when I heard my sister telling my other siblings how much she hates me..

I do not want to keep living my life like this..