Sister in Law

 So for any long time readers, it has been an epic holiday season for my my sister in law (SIL).  Things were finally over for her on Thanksgiving.  She was done.  And she left.  I wish I could say that it means that things are getting better but sadly, no.  It appears that things are going to get worse, possibly much worse, before it will even have a chance to get better.  
 
Hubby and I never understood the relationship.  It never made much sense to us and we never really cared for her husband.  I wish I could say things were great at the start and slowly diminished but no.  We were already telling her during their first year of marriage that things aren’t right and she should move on.  She was determined to make it work.
 
Without beating around the bush, her husband is a lazy, no good SOB who was brought up with having everything handed to him on a silver platter and sadly, she continued to do that for him.  So yes, she played her own part in the mess she finds herself in.  The man has never had to be responsible for anything and happily took advantage of it.  Never had to lift a finger.  And when he was even approached or asked to help out in some form he would just find some excuse or whine about how he can’t.  It amazed me how he always had some kind of cold or stomach issue whenever he was required to show any form of responsibility.  And if he can’t go that route, he blames his ADD for why he can’t do it.  Ugh.  Really?  Was he planning to use that excuse for the rest of his life?
 
The day before their wedding he quit his job.  I’ll admit it was a crappy job but still.  And the reason he quit was because they gave him a hard time about taking two weeks off for his honeymoon. And that was because he never bothered to request the time off until the day before!  Ugh?!?!  Really?  And then I recently found out that my SIL never even went to sleep the night before her own wedding because he conveniently never packed up his apartment which he had to be out of by that weekend so she spent the whole night packing his crap up.  Of course, if it were me, I would have told him that it’s his problem (see the neon lights of danger?)  She was already doing everything for him anyway – cleaning his apartment, paying his bills, etc.  He was just out of college so she conveniently took over all responsibility for him once mommy and daddy couldn’t do it anymore.  So yeah.  Quit his job.  And then he spent the whole next year laying around the apartment like a sloth doing nothing.  Never even tried to look for a job.  All the while she worked her tail off at her RN job working nights, paying bills, cleaning, etc.
 
They ended up moving down to Nashville so SIL could go to grad school and become a midwife.  He did manage to find a job while down there but essentially everything else stayed the same.  Once he was home from his job, he just happily laid on the couch and did nothing else – just like he was still some teenage boy without any responsibility.  Things have pretty much stayed that way until present day.  I would have been so done with him within that first year of marriage.  Of course, I probably would never have walked down that aisle either.
 
During the six years of having a child, he has maybe watched them four times.  Two of those times was just so SIL could jump in the shower.  Each time she came downstairs to a disaster, one of which was finding her kids out in the backyard (then 3 and 1) and he had no idea.  
 
It amazes me that he can even function enough to get himself to work.  The main reason is because he takes his ADD meds.  He’s on Aderol which is basically prescription speed.  But then he abuses it.  You are supposed to maintain your dosages and take it regularly or you can really screw up your body and chemical balances.  He choses not to take it during the weekend so he spends the whole weekend with withdrawal symptoms like an addict.  He can’t be roused, he sleeps 80% of the time not waking until 2 in the afternoon.  Then he spend the rest of the time on the couch watching TV and yelling at the kids because he can’t hear whatever he’s watching.  He ignores her.  Doesn’t help with chores.  And is just plain mean to them.  Then he starts his meds again Monday morning just so he can appear normal to his co-workers.  And apparently because of this up and down and his body not regulating the drug, he can’t sleep all week long because he’s flying high as a kite.  
 
It’s so bad at home during the weekends that she just packs the kids into the car and they drive around all weekend, go to parks, possibly see friends when they are free, anything just to be away.  I didn’t even realize until she told me this week that since her daughter has been born (she’s 3), she’s kept an emergency bag with enough clothes, etc for three days in her trunk in case she’s had to get away.  
 
So this has been her life.  And just getting worse.  Perfect example is during this past Fall, she ended up getting Mono really bad thanks to her lack of immune system from lack of sleep, all the stress, and never having a break.  She could not function.  After running to the office (she currently practices as a nurse practitioner) to get some tests run to find out what is wrong with her, she tried calling him all day from her mom’s saying she is sick, she needs help taking care of the kids and to please call him (she was so bad she was afraid to drive) but he ignored every call.  She had no choice but to stay at her mom’s just to make sure someone could watch the kids.  When she returned the next day, she was greeted to a raging lunatic throwing things because she wasn’t at home.  Tried to tell him maybe he should check his phone more often but he just gets defensive.  
 
The dude has an issue with communicating.  He will only text people and never call and actually talk to them.  He also has no friends.  Literally no one.
 
It has just been scary as hell.  I feel for her.  And we’ve been telling her for ten years this is bad but she had to figure it out for herself.  She was always afraid of how mean he’d get if she ever tried to leave and we always thought could never be the case.  The dude is so lazy and unmotivated but unfortunately we are learning that we were wrong.  He has been an ass since she walked out.  
 
So on Thanksgiving, they were having a potluck with other friends for the holiday.  She was cooking some dishes at home before they went over.  They have small cars so the four of them plus the food could not fit into one car so she was driving the food over while he took the kids since they asked to drive with daddy.  She gave him the address (he has a GPS and he knows the neighborhood where they were going)) and he was to follow her.  He, of course, being the ass that he is (and knowing he probably didn’t want to go), he was driving super slow and eventually she lost him at a light.  He never showed up.  He never answered his phone.  He never answered when his dad tried to call him.  So there she sat at her friend’s house on Thanksgiving day without her kids for over three hours.  I would have gone mad.  She finally goes home to find them there.  He had fed them chocolate chip pancakes, marshmallows, and ice cream.  That was their thanksgiving dinner.  They were flying off the walls and her poor three year old was running around in sopping wet pants because she peed in them.  All the while he laid on the couch watching TV.  o.O  
 
Seriously people, I would be in jail because I would have grabbed a skillet bashed in the TV and possibly him.  
 
So she’s been living in this limbo for the past month living in a friend’s basement with the kids.  I still find it appalling that he is sitting pretty in the house (and destroying it I might add) while she’s living out of a laundry hamper.  She just moved in with another friend this past weekend.  A family with four kids and four dogs in a dilapidated two bedroom house. So, 9 people and four dogs in one tiny house.  I asked her why not just sleep in the other bedroom just so the kids can always be home but she is seriously scared of him at the moment.  
 
And yes, he’s being a real ass too about it.  She set up couple’s counseling and he sits there all incredulous and says he doesn’t understand what’s she’s talking about.  That life has been great and family life has been all fine and she must be having some psychotic episode and just up and left completely out of the blue.  And he tries to spread lies to the counselor and his family and truly going out of his way to make it look like she’s the crazy one.  And sadly, she will have to go through this all in court too because it’s his word against hers and when he does take his meds, he’s at least more human.  
 
And then on top of it, he sends her 40+ text messages a day threatening, demanding, bargaining, the whole nine yards.  Making all these demands that he has a right to see the kids.  It is his right, etc.  If she just comes back, he will forget it all.  And, yes, it is true that he has a right to see his kids but he has to take on equal responsibility.  Like make arrangements to pick them up from school, feed them, get them ready, care for them etc.  The first night he had them, he called my SIL within an hour demanding she go to the grocery store to buy them food because he had no food in the house.  Um, yeah.  That’s called you put the kids in the car and go the grocery store you dick.  he also expects her to make their lunches and get all the things they need for school together on the nights he has them because that’s not his job.  
 
The dude will never pick up the phone.  She told him that they need to have a talk.  They need to talk it all out and iron out details on how to take care of the kids and when they will each have them but no, he will not actually communicate unless it is through texting.  Is he for real?  This is his kids for crap sake and he won’t even act adult enough to converse?
 
And if all of this isn’t tearing her apart and how this is effecting the kids, he has demanded that he will have the kids all this week.  Really?!?!  Seriously?!?! A man that never changed a diaper, never fed more than one meal in a day, cared for them, etc.  And it’s all just to prove a point.  All to stab as many emotional knives at her.  And even though this is killing her and hates it, she is passively going with it because she doesn’t want to come off looking bad in court like she’s been keeping him away from his kids.  She’s trying so hard not to build any negative points on herself.  
 
One of the nights he was all mad in her face and yelling at her, she got scared and actually slapped his shoulder just to get him away and he’s been all over that saying how she’s abusive and she hits him.  Even as far as saying how she’s abusive to the kids.  It’s good we are not within easy driving distance because I would personally go beat the living crap out of him.  
 
So, there he was texting her at 7 AM on Christmas morning demanding that she’d better have the kids at the house by 8 AM.  For real?  She called and told him that she is not going to wake them up and drag them out of bed just so he could prove a point.  She had just enough time to have breakfast with them and open the few gifts she managed to get them (did I mention that they are in debt up to their eyeballs and he just spends more and more without thought?) before taking them over.  The poor kids’ Christmas dinner was a box of Mac and Cheese and ground beef.  And when she called to say goodnight to them, they were sobbing into the phone begging her to pick them up because they want to sleep with mommy all the while he’s yelling in the background that they are staying with him.  🙁
 
She was seeing a lawyer today.  We’ve offered to help pay for her retainer since she has no money.  She is hoping that maybe she could file for some sort of emergency injunction since there are enough laws supporting how small children are best of with their mother.  She is going to have a hell of a time proving how insane he’s been.  It’ sucks.  🙁  I feel for her.  The next year of her life will be pure hell but she’s been in hell for awhile.  The only hope is that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel sooner than later now.