Well, now what?

Shit, I have to grow up now.

Got a call Monday night from the history department. Apparently my professor’s illness over the summer means that the entire M.Phil has been cancelled. I already have aquired a job, so I’m okay there, despite being here and paying Dublin rent, now without the use of my student loan. The aforementioned lecturer is also retiring, so despite being able to take the masters next year, it will have been changed a great deal- I have had my heart set on this damn thing and now I don’t know what the hell to do. I need to think and plan things, but I don’t know what. Its hard to choose between the life I have here and the possible one I could have in the states; I’ve wanted so much to be back here, with Bear and my friends/roommates, that I am having a hard time conceiving of making a different choice. I have become momentarily childlike when I cannot afford it- how can I make a decision that requires me to think the unthinkable? Part of me is determined to stay here and cling to what I have left of my dream, but I don’t know what meaning daily life will have for me without the context of that dream. This is simply too big, too overwhelming to grasp. I feel like I am grieving, disconnected from the world and myself, manically joyful with people and then near weeping in despair at actually having to choose. I need to reorient myself, find another direction to aim at. Even just having to move my belongings seems too horrible a task to contemplate.  I hate being forced into things like this- I finally made a decision, had a goal, and now its all screwed up. Dammit.