Something In My Mind Just got Away
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I say things, when people ask, like I graduated and I have my book getting published and I’m happy and that’s the beautiful part about being and introvert….. that’s my public self. My privates self is different.
I am worried I choked on my last exams. I had such a hard time with the three weeks between the last glass and the first final exam. I studied as much as I usually do but the PTSD made it much harder to hold onto the information. I thought I aced the first final. Two minutes before the second final, the hard one, the prof told me I had confused a name on the first one. Ten minutes of controlling a panic attack I decide to answer the question I blew on the first final on the back of the second final. another 10 minutes of staring at the page and I just couldn’t put the things together in my head. i knew what I was being asked but my brain would not let me form the answer so I bluffed my way through it I dunno. I wanted over 90 because if you have a GPA of over 90 the school lets you have your next year of tuition free. There’s also this rumour that if you finish with a GPA over 90 you only have to pay half of your student loan back. If both things are true then I chocked and it cost me $12,000.
I threw myself on the mercy of the prof. I did my best with my ace up my sleeve and have written a heartfelt plea for said mercy in the hopes of keeping my GPA over 90. I am not ready to face his response or my marks or my GPA…. or my future in general.
I am numb it’s true. I try to dissociate from as much reality as possible to get by. I use media therapy like others use valium; mostly TV and sometimes even realty show series that I’ve watched multiple times I watch over and over. I don’t really watch it I just have it playing the background like average people listen to their iPods.
I am afraid to live. The diversion of school was lovely I’m just not sure how the good the diversion is….. or will be in the long run. I wanted to learn how to run a small, home based business so I could hide from the world and not have to deal with superiors of inferior intelligence. I went to school and I can do that now but I’m still afraid School’s done and I just want to go back there and keep the schedule of dissociation going.
Every 2 hours and 24 minutes my Id, Ego and Super Ego have the same damn conversation. It goes something like this:
ID: The winter’s chill chilled me to the bone this year
And something in my mind just got away
Being in the places where we used to be
Somehow being there without you’s not the same.
Parking lots, office parks and shopping malls
And all you left were bills you hadn’t paid.
The winter’s chill chilled me to the bone this year
And something in my mind just got away
SUPER EGO: It’s all behind you now,
You’re moving on.
They’ll never find you now,
You’re moving on, on, on.
EGO: Nah nah nah nah nah nah, naa
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, naa
ID: Alcohol, cigarettes and luxury goods,
Christmas lights look desperate in this room.
Winter’s light left me in the dark last night
And Jingle Bells are smothered in this gloom.
Winter’s trees freezing in the bitter wind
And autumn’s leaves have all been blown away.
Being in the places where we used to be
Somehow being there without you’s not the same.
SUPER EGO: It’s all behind you now,
You’re moving on.
They’ll never find you now,
You’re moving on, on, on.
EGO: Nah nah nah nah nah nah, naa
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, naa
SUPER EGO: It’s all behind you now,
You’re moving on.
They’ll never find you now,
You’re moving on, on, on.
EGO: Nah nah nah nah nah nah, naa
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, naa
It feels like I’m betraying Dylan if I move on. It feels like I am leaving myself behind. Someone said
You know, if you move on too fast without owning your own experience then you won’t learn from anything that happens to you. If you don’t own your experiences then you don’t learn from then. I ran from the experience of losing my 22 year old son. Every 2 hours and 24 minutes my Id, Ego and Super Ego have the same damn conversation
I am always asking myself if I have owned anything and everything I’ve done. I do not wish to merely decide not to own it nor have I given it to someone else to own…… and learned very little? I ran from reality as fast as I could while in a deep state of shock and I ran into unfamiliar territory and I didn’t leave a trail of breadcrumbs. I didn’t leave a trail at all.
I accidentally numbed myself emotionally. Not entirely it’s true. I dissociated from as much reality as possible to get by. Media therapy is my valium; mostly TV and popcorn seasoned with cannabutter. Sometimes I mix my median valium with clonazepam and a glass of white wine. I am afraid to live and every 2 hours and 24 minutes my Id, Ego and Super Ego have the same damn conversation.