walk this way (‘cuz I watched “Idol” tonight)

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Dear Diary:

Well, I guess we’re going to walk our way through these words and see if I’ve actually got anything to say…..

“The winter’s chill chilled me to the bone this year
And something in my mind just got away…”

I’m on the Dean’s Honor List, I am back planning for another youth conference and I love it as usual, I have a nest egg, I have tickets to see Cake in May, I don’t have to dash out to get a job as soon as school’s done, I own my own home, I pay my mortgage, the bill’s are all over paid, I see a dentist regularly, I’m getting new glasses soon, there’s food in the fridge, I’m smoke free, Jordan bought me “ring”, my book has sold, everyone is good. The thing is when Dylan died, that fateful February; I killed my emotions to deal with the random sequences of this world and life. I killed my emotions so I wouldn’t have to feel the morbid depths of agony my grief reaches. Absence makes the heart grow fonder because I miss him more with each passing day and month and year, not less.

“Alcohol, cigarettes and luxury goods,
Christmas lights look desperate in this room…”

I’m not sure there are enough sexual encounters to actually have in this world, never mind enough to keep me preoccupied. Mind you, I’m like the Goldilocks of Sexual Encounters, you know. Not too cold/undersexed and not too hot/over sexed, just want to be just right/sexed. Sure things are getting steadily more interesting and, but, or, well, I digress.

“Winter’s light left me in the dark last night
And Jingle Bells are smothered in this gloom…”

The world’s a crazy place and it keeps spinning and spinning and what can I say? I want to feel good about the way things are going but who would I be trying to kid? I know firsthand how everything is temporary; the good times as well as the bad. It’ll passes away. It’s not the same kind of headspace as waiting for the other shoes to drop. I go barefoot now. I learned my lesson. It’s left me with nothing good to say.

“Winter’s trees freezing in the bitter wind
And autumn’s leaves have all been blown away.
Being in the places where we used to be
Somehow being there without you’s not the same.”

With love from,