Attack of the Seasonal Killer

So I wake up this morning and my muscles are stiff room my neck down to my calves. I knew this was coming as it’s due to a shitty mattress. I’ve asked Jordan a number of times to bring the damn mattress down from the attic so it can air out and so we can use it as a stop gap measure between the futon mattress and box spring we sleep on now.

We launch into a heated conversation about Black Queen (what a stupid band name, but I digress) because McLeod wanted to have another rehearsal this week and Jordan said he had to check with me and McLeod insisted he call me immediately. So while telling him I didn’t want to pay for him to go to Kitchener again and as it’s my money that buys his food I essentially fund this hobby of his…. oh, and he isn’t actually getting a cut of the door he gets to drink for free (fuck that noise he has to drive and he better fucking haul his ass home)…. I can hear Gawain arguing in the background about how Jordan shouldn’t have been forced to call me, it’s between Jordan and I and not the band. Jordan says something like why can’t I just drop it and I fire off all the reasons as we’re walking onto the soccer field to run the dog, as we do every morning.

I’m so fed up that I say something to the effect of “next time I need something done around the house I’m going to call McLeod and ask him to get you on it because I’m in partnership with McLeod as well and you do everything that little runt tells you to do”. Admittedly not nice but I get uber frustrated when Jordan knows I’m right and leans into the punch anyway. Jordan stops off and starts throwing the balls with the dog. I take a couple of bites out of my bagel and then I cough a couple of times and I think “wow, I haven’t heard that goose cough in years”. I notice how heavy my chest feels and I’m wondering if I’m getting sick.

A couple more bites out of my bagel and it’s dawning on me that something is going horribly wrong. Jordan is busy ignoring me and I’m trying to figure things out but as my oxygen intake is decreasing I am become more “intoxicated” and feeling drunk and light headed. I start walking to the car without saying anything which annoys Jordan even more so he cuts ahead of me with the dog. The coughing increases and is fucking up my back and the amount of fluid I’m spitting out is getting to be more than a mouthful like I’m drowning and trying to spit out water.

I’m having trouble seeing because my eyes are running water by this point and I’m getting tunnel vision. Tunnel vision is usually a signal that I’m going to black out which makes me panic a bit and I end up breathing heavier. I start sobbing so I”m trying to figure out the mold issue and it dawns on me that on the way in I noted the smell of cut grass while arguing with Jordan as well as the neat piles of grass that kind of made the three football field sized spread of cut grass look like crop circles. I realize I should cover my mouth but I’m too short on oxygen and it feels like I’m trying to smother myself so I hold my hands and forearms on my head so that my lungs are literally forced open and so that I can freely spit the buckets of fluid my respiratory system is creating.

The sobbing turns to gasping at which point Jordan turns around and realizes I’m in distress. He runs to the car and outs the dog in the car and comes back for me…. hmmm. I try to say “epipen’ to let him know it’s allergies but he thinks I want him to get it and he starts yelling at me” where is it” and of course I don’t have it because there’s no shellfish in the park. I also don’t have my puffers, which is what I actually needed to take because I’ve been to the soccer fields countless mornings and have never experienced this effect.

The whole time I was worried about doing the Pretty Boy Face Plant into the damn black top. I was also feeling like the damn grass was trying to attack me. I’m still feeling light headed and my back is still a mess. And Jordan, well, he’s shaken but not stirred (I hope). He’s not going to go in for another rehearsal he’s just going in early on Saturday to run the tunes. Yeah.

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