a little bit of crazy

I flipped out a little bit the other day, & I’ve been so emotionally raw that I’ve been crying a few times a day, every day since Sunday (the day I went coo-coo for coco puffs). It started when I was sitting in my room, debating texting Cam to see how he was feeling (b/c he’s been throwing up every day for a few weeks now & refuses to go to a doc about it). Next thing I knew, my sister said she was going out to eat w/ him & asked if I wanted to come.

For some reason that was just the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. The night before, we left a BBQ at Bob & K’s house & he asked me to hang out so we went back to my house. I was tired & we were both drunk so we just got into my bed & fell asleep. He woke up around 12:30 & got sick & went home. So that’s why I was thinking of texting him when my sis invited me to eat w/ them.

So my sis went out to eat w/ him & a few hrs later she texted me asking if I wanted to watch a movie w/ the 2 of them. I said no of course, but they decided to come watch it HERE, across the hall from me in my sister’s room. I was lying in my bed trying to ignore the fact that they were there, & then Cam knocked on my door & opened it (before I could say go the fuck away).

I looked right at him & said go away. He looked at me funny & I said "get the fuck away from me now" . I looked away from him, & he closed my door. A few minutes later I realized I couldn’t stay in my room while Cam was w/ my sister a few feet away, so I grabbed my purse & got in my car. I wasn’t sure where I was headed to, but I ended up at the local bar I always go to w/ my friends. Turned out Jim & Bob were there so I had a drink w/ them.

Jim was leaving then so I decided to leave too. Turns out it was great timing on my part b/c my sis ended up showing up there w/ Cam right after I left (tho I didn’t know that at the time). I went home b/c I saw that my sister’s car was gone (tho Cam’s car was still in front of my house). I took a quick shower, had something to eat & then went to Jim’s & watched a movie.

Then yesterday Chris came home from CA (he was gone for the weekend, he went to visit his bro & to see an Eddie Vedder solo concert) so I tried to put the Cam thing out of my mind. I also was trying to avoid my sister (who has no idea that the fact of her hanging out w/ Cam is what made me go postal on Sun) so I made sure to go to his house instead of having him come to mine.

Then this morning I decided I had to explain the sitch to Cam, b/c I overreacted & no matter what I don’t want us to hate each other. We share the same group of friends, so even if we can’t be close friends I at least want us to be able to tolerate each other’s presence. So I wrote him an email…

i figured i should write this b/c i’m guessing u think i’m nuts & that i flipped out for no reason the other day, but i wanted u to know what the reason was. i don’t have a problem w/ you being friends w/ my sister (tho even if i did there’s really nothing i could do or say about it, but i really don’t). what hurt me is that on sat night u wanted to hang out w/ me after we left Bob & K’s house so we came back here & fell asleep together. then u left cuz u were feeling crappy & i was concerned about u. no matter what u may think, i care a lot about u & it worries me that u’ve been so sick lately but u refuse to go to the doc. but thats not the point. the point is that on sun morn i was about to text u to ask u if u were feeling better & then my sister tells me u called & asked her to go to the diner w/ u. so it hits me that while i was sitting there thinking about YOU, u were sitting there thinking about my sister. i didn’t care that u asked HER to go out to eat, i cared that u DIDN’T ask ME. if that doesn’t make sense to u, i don’t know how else to explain it. and u can say well whatever cuz i am dating chris so what right do i have to get mad or jealous or anything over what u do. but i was already dating chris when we started hanging out again, it wasn’t like u introduced me to chris & then i decided to date him instead of u. & also u don’t have to hear about what chris & i do, in fact i purposely try to not talk to u about him b/c i don’t think u want or need to hear about it. but whenever u hang out w/ my sister, i know about it. i can’t avoid it, i live in the same house as her. and u can say oh well i shouldn’t care anyway b/c i could’ve broken up w/ chris to be w/ u, but i didn’t. and i guess u’d be right, but just b/c i am still w/ chris doesn’t mean i don’t have feelings for u. & i know i SHOULDN’T have feelings for u while i’m dating him, but i do & there’s nothing i can do to change that. and now i’m just rambling b/c i have kept all this inside me for a while now, i don’t tell anyone these things b/c its easier to just pretend it’s not happening. but obviously that backfired on me b/c i overreacted on sun & acted like a crazy person instead of just trying to talk to u about all this stuff before. anyway i just needed to get all this out b/c i can’t stand thinking that u hate me, or that u think i hate u. i don’t want to lose your friendship, b/c it means a lot to me. so i hope u can understand at least somewhat why i’ve been acting the way i have even tho it might not make a whole lotta sense. if u feel like talking or anything, i’m always around. take care…

He hasn’t read it yet so who knows what will come of it. I will def let you guys know. Oh & I really appreciate all the notes I got last time!!!! Thanks for letting me know that you DO read & you DO care, it means a lot to me. I can’t leave notes right now b/c I’m about to go out, but I will leave some in a few hrs when I get home. I hope everyone is well & wish me luck that things get better for me soon..