Clearing out

 So things are clearing up in my head. I’m coming to terms with this decision. I have a really hard time walking away from people, always have. I’ve always needed a reason. 

It’s funny in a sense that the part that pisses me off about the whole situation isn’t even the fact that he met someone else. That I could have gotten over in time, and maybe a friendship in the future would have been possible. It’s the being deceived that I’m angry about. Honesty is one of my most important values. The only reason that Fred and I managed to stay friends, despite all the crap that happened, is because he never lied to me, even those times that it would have been so much easier, he always chose to tell me the truth. So he hurt me, a few times, but because I always knew that it was coming from an honest place, I was able to handle it. Now, I know I can trust him completely.

I found another email later that clarified that although not much happened with the other girl, she was most definitely the catalyst. I suppose if the relationship had been really solid, she wouldn’t have been more than a blip on the radar. He didn’t want to be that guy that broke up with one girl to go out with another, so I guess convincing himself that I was a rebound was some way of making himself feel better about it… or something…  Frankly, whatever, coward’s way out. Tell me the truth, deal with the consequences then you won’t have to deal with repercussions after the fact. Don’t make me think you’re being the good guy and being honest when it’s about making yourself feel better, and don’t keep me around and let me think that maybe… and don’t use me.

I’ve decided there is no reason for me to feel foolish about this. Yes, it probably wasn’t the world’s smartest decision to be the one to take care of his cat for him while he was away, but that’s who I am. I go out of my way to help my friends. My conclusion is this, if it makes me happy to help others, to make them happy, then if someone takes advantage of it, it’s not me that’s an idiot, it’s the person who is a jerk. Maybe I need to get a little more wise about some of the choices I make, but I refuse to change my general attitude based on that.

So today, I cleaned out my facebook… got rid of all the useless applications and the ‘friend’ I either don’t know or never talk to and I deleted him as well. It was surprisingly easy. Part of me is a little sad that this is the way it ended up. I don’t necessarily think he’s a bad guy, just immature and self-centered, which is not something I need more of in my life. I’ll leave his stuff at his place tomorrow when I go feed the cat (afterall, no reason for the cat to suffer, she didn’t do anything). I’ll have to leave his keys at the dance studie. I don’t plan on explaining things to him, don’t feel like that would accomplish anything. 

Eventually, I’m sure I’ll even feel good about his, right now I’m still a little stressed out by it, which is silly really. Guess you never really can help that sense of loss, even if you’re not really losing much in the end. Definitely a case of the good not weighing heavily enough in the equation… frankly I think, in the end, he’s lost more than I have.