quantity not necessarily quality entry. :)

I’ve been having ups and downs lately… I can’t remember what the last thing I wrote was, and I’m far too lazy to go browsing back… lol! That’s just my state of being lately, all about expending the least amount of effort possible… lol!

Last week was my fall break/reading week/whatever the heck you want to call it. But I think I got less rest than I do during my average school week. I was working day shifts at one of the ERs which is 20mins away, but with traffic it was a one hour drive there and easily an hour and a half ordeal to go back home, tag that onto my evening theatre practices and choir practice, and I had absolutly no free time until Thursday, which I spent studying for my Cellular Biology exam which was this past Tuesday… a few upsides however, finally having some amount of money being added to the dwindling funds, and getting to see Fred a few times in passing during the week (I actually ended up borrowing his apartment on Thursday because mine is such a disaster right now, that I couldn’t study there… and hey, any excuse to not sleep alone right… lol).

I have moments when I question the whole notion of returning to school, why exactly I’m doing this to myself… I was a little, well, scratch that, a lot dissapointed with my organic chemistry exam results, and seeing as it was the only thing I had gotten back, I was having a bit of trouble getting up the motivation to study for the other exams (I mean ok, 76 is awful, but I haven’t gotten a 70 since junior high school really, so it was a bitter pill to swallow, especially since I felt so good before the exam and when I walked out… I’ve since taken a look at it, and many, many stupid mistakes were made which ended up being worth way more points than anticipated, and after speaking with the prof, I may be able to parlay an 80, but we’ll see). I’ve since then gotten a few more results and I’m feeling much, much better about my prospects. 🙂

I just find myself wondering if I was a little ambitious with all this… full-time school, part-time work, theatre and choir, semi-relationship plus time to do homework and see friends occasionally, guitar lessons… and yet, I wouldn’t know what to give up. Things will calm down a little at the end of November once one of the plays is over. I only have one exam left until December and that’s next week… I think all of that will help, and next semester will be a little less hectic… I think… lol! 

I complain and yet… I’m not sure I would really want it any other way… I just need to make sure I sleep enough.

This weekend was the choir intensive weekend. Every year, the choir rents out some sort of space outside the city so we can retreat together, learn some songs, have some workshops and get to know each other. This year we ended up in a little village not far from Québec City. It was an old convent which had been converted into a sort of bed and breakfast… was really quite a nice space, and it ended up being a really great weekend. Got to meet some of the new members of the choir, and I think this year will be a lot of fun.

Got to get my dose of guitar and folks singing, Saturday night a bunch of us ended up outside on the porch, Fred played the guitar and we would join in when we knew the songs… it’s so great when it’s really a musical group, because people throw in harmonies and variations and theres always a few people who know the songs…

So apparently Fred and I are causing the rumor mill to run overtime… lol! Turns out he’s rather popular with the boys in the choir (there are only 3 straight guys in the choir) and they want to know if they have a chance and I’m throwing a kink in the plans because they’re not sure where we stand… they keep hoping he might be bi. lol!

One of the girls finally got up the nerve to point blank ask me what the story was with the two of us… she really couldn’t understand our answer (because I figured Fred should be in on the discussion, so I called him over). Apparently, it’s terribly difficult for people to understand that we enjoy being together, that we don’t call each other boyfriend/girlfriend but that it’s not just sex… Frankly, it’s almost fun to have people scratching their heads about it… we’re not trying to hide anything, but apparently people think we should ‘come out of the closet’ and just admit we’re going out… lol!

We ended up chatting about it on the way home, he wanted to know if I was ok with the situation. I could honestly say that I was (we had discussed a bit during the weekend, and I had finally gotten up the nerve to ask some pointed question, and he told me that his feelings had changed since our break-up back in June… that he enjoys being ‘attached’ to me, just clearing that up finally allowed me to stop thinking about it). The interesting thing about this ‘non-relationship’ if you will, is that despite basically doing everything your average couple does, it changes the intention. Since there is no real obligation, we do what we do because we want to. I know that if he calls me, it’s because he wants to. Nothing is taken for granted. I know that for me, if we were to say we were a couple, it wouldn’t change how I would behave, but for him it would put a lot of added stress on his shoulders. I mean it’s silly really, it’s just a word, and he realises that, but it doesn’t change that…  So for now, he knows I care about him, I know he cares about me, and it’s nice to know that everyday, we’re choosing to make the effort.

The funny thing is, it sounds complicated to other people, and yet to me, it’s incredibly simple. It’s about being happy together and not worrying about tomorrow or three weeks from now, or what people might think, or what things mean. It’s nice.

Hope everyone had a nice Halloween… it’s kind bizarre having it on a wednesday, because it means there are two Halloween weekends. I miss last weekend because of the choir weekend, but seems I’ll be making up for it. I have a theatre party tonight after rehearsal, and there’s another one this weekend I’ve been invited to… I just haven’t been doing so well costume-wise… yesterday I just threw on pyjamas, a robe, a sleeping mask and some odd glasses… (hey, I had about 15 minutes between the end of my lab and choir practice… lol, you do what you can) but I don’t think that’ll cut it for the party this weekend… I’ll have to get creative. 🙂