Mess
I feel like I am an absolute mess over something that is important, but should not be ruling my life as it is. Deciding what you want in life is supposed to be a somewhat natural occurance, isn’t it? I feel like I’ve been trying to force myself to choose and make a decision for way too long…when I should have just went with my hearts initial inclinations…leave. Run. If I wouldn’t have lied 4 years ago, I would have made the best decision of my life. I would have had to deal with the consequences of my actions instead of cowering away from them….which has now left me with the same man who I have the same feelings about as I did way back then.
How can I know what will be right in a year from now? I have been w/ my man for 5 years….the first 2 were happy, the last 3 have been good for the most part, but a lot more of dealing with each other and things than we ever realized we would have to do. Ya know, I can’t blame the guy one bit for not warning me about who he was….he told me from the beginning that he was a hardcore hunter/fisher and that his hobbies were his life. We were so in love and happy that he gave those things up for a little while to give me love and affection and time and attention…but naturally, went back to the way he was meant to be. I can’t lie…I’m not into the outdoor world in anyway besides hiking and boating and doing fun things…which don’t include fishing or killing animals. I can’t even say that I’ve tried very hard to enjoy his hobbies…I haven’t…but I have tried to at least support them.
I truely just do not know what the hell to do….this is all I think about every single day. I don’t want to be unhappy anymore. But I don’t want to let him go either. I’m afraid that if we ever did end up having kids or getting married…that then I would really regret what I had gotten into…but that’s my negativity towards this relationship coming through. Probably because: His mom told me about times that she was left all alone with the kiddos or at home while her (ex) husband spent all his time on hunting and fishing trips….she was miserable and lonely. My boyfriends brother’s wife is in the same situation right now….he spends all his money on hunting and taxidermy, as if they didn’t just have a beautiful baby girl 6 months ago….and then there’s the fact that for a couple years he cried to me because he didn’t want to have children with me because of a genetic disorder I have…I have never forgotten that one…even though he says he doesn’t care anymore….because I know he does…he’s just trying to make everything seem fine…when it’s clearly not.
I’m 25, semi-attractive, shy but very social at heart, and yearning for fun and new experiences and new people in my life. He doens’t need friends…doens’t want to do anything with mine…..and is content being by himself in his boat, on the water, or in the woods all the time. He deserves to be able to do that if he wants. But then I deserve to be able to be free from that and be happy….
I’m so scared that I won’t make the right decision. My friends…my family….they don’t know what to tell me. They know he’s a good guy, but maybe not the good guy for me.
Fuck, man….what do I do with my life….
On top of it all, I’m falling hard for someone I’ve known for over 10 years…..have never cheated, just in my mind….