Between what I want and what I need to be

That is where I am at in life. I live where I need to, I work where I need to, and that pretty much does not allow for a lot of “dream following.”

So, in college I met a guy, and within 3 months I knew he was the one (much to my parents and, well, almost all my friends doubts). We spend a year in France studying French together. I have always been in love with Europe, and he grew to like it a lot during that year. Then we returned to the states, got engaged, planned a wedding, graduated college, and got married.

In that last year and a half of undergrad, we both knew we wanted to go to grad school. But who first? I couldn’t decide where my passion lied – French, or Psychology? I was a double major, and loved both disciplines with two halves of my brain. He knew what he wanted, so we decided that it was best he get his degree. That way, I can have time to decide, and when he finished grad school, I could pursue grade school if I wanted, or do whatever. (Oh, to be so logical as to follow your dreams and ambitions in the most logical way…)

So where did we go, what did we do? We moved to freaking Muncie Indiana, by far the smallest, most remote place I have ever lived. It was like suffocating every day in mediocrity. I’m not one to judge a location by how many Starbucks it has, but this town didn’t have a single one – in a town of forty or fifty thousand! In a college town! All I could think was that this place was backwards.

I don’t consider myself as someone who grew up in a protected lifestyle, but it sure was free from any redneck or white trash associations. This whole town was practically redneck… They didn’t have a bookstore aside from the mall’s Waldenbooks! Are you kidding me?

So we lived there for two horribly depressing years. My husband got his Masters in History. And then decided he didn’t want to do history. He wanted to do law.

This was actually a good thing. Yes, three more years of grad school, but it got us out of the rut of Muncie. So we moved to northern Indianapolis where he is currently attending IU-Indy. He’s in year 2 of three.

So what have I been doing? I’ve been working my way up the “food chain” of a consumer products company. I started as a lowly CSR, and I’m now a product analyst. It appeals to me in that, well, as a person who likes psychology, I like numbers, statistics, and being specific. Detail is my middle and third name.

But is it what I really want? No, not really. I don’t enjoy it really. Its better than many, many alternatives. But for now, I just can’t wait for it to be over.

Sometimes I think about what life would have been like if I hadn’t married. It would be very, very different. For starters, I probably would have taken a job in France such as Au Pair or working at the US Embassy in Paris in an effort to live over there until I could decide on where I wanted to live… that answer has always been France.

But until I can get there or do that, I wil continue as things are.

And you know what, it doesn’t sound as bad as it may sound right now. (Ok, Muncie was bad — but you know what I mean.) I am happy. Its funny how you can be happy, yet not like your job, or have very few friends. Actually I only have one true friend (aka, friends outside of work) that I’ve been able to make in three years. Yeah, I have nothing in common with my co-workers. And that sucks.