the naked, honest truth

I have issues. I don’t mean issues like, “I hate my mother” (because we never agree and she ruined my life by not letting me buy a certain pair of jeans). No, I mean that, as more time goes on, the more I realize that I really need to seek professional counseling and spend some significant amount of time figuring out how to let that part of me that i’ve compartmentalized away. I’ve locked it away to keep it safe, keep ‘me’ safe from… I’m not sure.

You know, when you study dissociative disorder (better known as multiple personality disorder), a person with the disorder tends to lock away or segment their personality to protect themselves from whatever ugly happened. Its like I’ve done that with my personality and my mind, but I’m still one person. I don’t have lapses of memory and my personality doesn’t change – its just means I’ve locked myself in this tiny box, and I only allow what escapes out the keyhole to be seen by the world. Now, if you’re really lucky, as only may be 2 or 3 people are, I’ve let you in that lockbox.

But I wonder if I’ve kept a lot of it from myself. The older I get (at my wise old age of nearly 22), the more I discover about myself. I assume this to be normal, since you gain perspective and understanding with each day.

But I propose that my self-discoveries are larger, and are normally discovered at an earlier, more appropriate age (like 11-17?).

It was only a few months ago that I realized that, the reason I’m shy is not because I am shy — I’m actually not, but everyone has always said I am. No, I’m not shy. Instead, I struggle so much for words that I honestly do not know what to say. Its not something where I am not sure which words to use. No, I actually have no words. My mind is entirely blank. I have no words to say. You couldn’t even get me to say “I agree.” I have absolutely no concept of how to talk to people.

And yet, I’m married and in a wonderful, strong relationship that has very free and open communication. I have one very best friend who I can tell anything and say everything… and be understood.

Maybe that’s my problem — I’m not understood? But no one has ever said they don’t. Usually I end up shocking people by what I say. I get reactions like “I can’t believe you said that!” or “What did you just say? Oh my gosh… that is just so unlike you… you’ve destroyed my entire picture of you!” I’ve received those extact reactions in the past two weeks from two coworkers that are slowly changing from coworker to friend. (A very hard thing for me to do, but more on that another time).

Why do I end up shocking people? It’s because those thoughts/words have always been there, but I didn’t know it until all of a sudden they escaped or I decided to take a risk and let them out. To hide them always would be hiding WHO I AM. But instead, I end up shocking the hell out of someone and then it becomes a constant reminder to them of how ‘weird’ I am or just plain shocking.

And how do I take these reactions? With pleasure, actually. I’ve encoded them into my personality so it becomes part of who I am. I’m the girl who surprises people with what she says and does. I prefer to surprise people with what I’ll do when I’m feeling relaxed (or spontaneous) rather then just stay the same.

And a word about those moments when I do let stuff out —– it usually happens when I am… 1)tired 2)up late 3) hyper. And every time, I doubt myself and doubt myself until I make a split second decision. And then apathy sets in and its like a “screw them, I don’t care how they take it” because I made my decision, can’t take it back, and I can’t afford to agonize over it.

Speaking of agonizing, agony and worry are my life. I spend a lot of my idle time worrying about stuff. When I get home or try to sleep, I think about work. What emails am I getting? What if this? What if that? Did I remember to do that? What if person A says this? What did person C mean when she said this to Person B in front of me about me? What does Person B really mean? Was Person B hinting at a future promotion for me? Did I respond in the best way? Was I too eager? ENDLESS QUESTIONS.

More agony. Let’s say you’re lying in bed trying to go to sleep. You’ve just locked the kittens out of your bedroom for the night (beause they use you as a trampoline all night), the light is out, and you and your hubby are all snuggled in, ready for sleep. Suddenly, theres a knock against your bedroom door. Normal person: Kittens are anxious and want to get back in. Every night they stay at the door and beg to be let in. My reaction: What if it’s a burgler with a gun trying to get in? Do they know we’re in here? Of course they do – we’ve been talking and you could hear our voices. Will they rob the office first and then our bedroom? What if they try to shoot us? I’ll probably be shot first because I’d be first in the line of site when the door opens. But then Matt will react and he’ll be shot. Maybe if I roll of the bed… no, that would put me in their line of fire. Could I reason with them? Well, if we could, should I beg for understanding and not put up a fight? What if they demanded my engagement ring? Would they be understanding if I said it had extreme sentimental value? If I lost it, would I be as devestated without it as I think I would? Yes, I would. I’d start sobbing and crying as if someone very close to me had died. And, then I suddenly realize that Matt has continued talking, unscared by that simple noise. My heart is beating 3x as fast as normal, I’m nearly panicking inside, and he dismissed it as a non-event. If he hadn’t been there, in bed, lying next to me, I’d probably have spent at least 5 min trying to get my breathing under control and convince myself it was ok to open my eyes again.

I feel like I’ve not written what I came here to write. But I guess that’s ok. It will get out eventually. I’ve been trying to say some of this for at least 5 years on this site. A site where only 1 friend I know reads this and knows who I am. I’ve wanted to show it to others, but I couldn’t bear for them to know… or in 1 case, it gave way too much information about them so I couldn’t give it away. Egh, that’s a whole ‘nother entry.