04/16/2009

 Please….. Diary

Let me begin by mentioning that you’re always as saccharine sweet and fit for human consumption as any one person is humanly possible of. You’re one of those guys that just never looks bad. Regardless of some of your more abstruse fashion alternatives, the time of day, whether you’re shaven or not, you just never look anything other than striking. Always pseudo-happy and semi-energetic in your laid-back manner, you make any day just that little bit easier. I love you.

Please tell me what exactly it is that bothers you about the sex we have. Not about past experiences or past partners or past hang ups. Do you always feel too busy or stressed about work, money or getting older? 

 

"I asked her if she wanted to dance
And she said that all she wanted was a good man
And wanted to know if I thought I was qualified.
And I said: Baby
don’t waste your time…..""

I know you’ve mentioned having some physical problems caused by poor self image; like you think your feet are ugly…. Is this why you keep your clothes on? Does having to take clothes off affect how you feel about the sex we have? 

Has our sex become boring to you? Are you sick of doing it in the same position and sick of not having enough confidence to change positions yourself? Am I just projecting? This does not mean you have to go wild, toss me around like a rag doll or become a porn-like demi-god in the bedroom, or anywhere else for that matter. 

I want more from each other and from intimacy, it’s true. And maybe every now and then I’ve pushed too hard and more often not pushed enough. I’d like more clues from you. I’d like you to talk more and answer my direct questions so that some sort of rhythmic flow into normalcy can occur.

I don’t want to have a regular Tuesday night date for sex, that’s too trite, too staid. If you could every once in awhile be the one to initiate things please do…. I day dream about a day when this will become commonplace and not trite at all and the opposite of staid.

It makes me sad to wait and wonder when you might want to share our souls when it might be a welcomed thing for us to be together in one body of love. It seems if I try to wait until you’re ready, I get sad and when I let you know that I’m interested in that kind of sharing it never comes to fruition.

When it’s solely up to me to make one body together the intricacies involved are far too many. I don’t know where your mind is at, I never know. I might feel capable of making some moves of my own so you can reciprocate but I’m afraid of this invisible line between clean and dirty. I’m afraid to do something you’ll see as “dirty”.

I do so love the way you kiss me; so long and slow and lingering. I like the way your lush lips feel pressed firmly against mine. I love the way your tongue feels twirling around my own. I love the taste of your breath. I love the way we share our souls together in one body of love…. Do you?

 

"She asked me if we could be friends
And I said: Oh
honey
baby
that’s a dead end
You know and I know that we wouldn’t be satisfied.
And I said: Baby
don’t waste your time…."

I wish I could say I miss you, I miss sharing that part of me with you but I can’t say that yet. I don’t know that side of you. You keep your sexual side hidden even from yourself. Why is that part of you hidden so far away from you? Are you afraid of that side? Did it scare you away? Please; please tell me.

Would it help if we spent some time alone together? Maybe in a different town for a weekend. I know that busy lives often lead to us falling into bed exhausted after putting a day and a half into just one day. It often seems like the only alone time you spend with me is in the dead of night when we’re both too tired to stay awake… or in the barely morning light when we not truly conscious . 

Maybe we need some time together to just be together to, I don’t know, ramp up to the sharing our souls when it might be a welcomed thing for us to be together in one body of love. Should we plan a weekend away or just a date night? What’s so scary about that? Where is the heart of your hesitation?

I what you, I want you so bad it’s driving me mad. It is possible that you may have forgotten how much passion I feel for you. I’ve had to contain it so many times and for so long that even I have forgotten and that makes me sad too. Have I forgotten how to make the moves? With all my sensibilities imprisoned am I convinced the urgency between us so tangible that it pricks our flesh and blood and draws us to the surface is but a mirage? 

I love the urgency between us and I want to feel again that there is no other life beneath the sky but ours. I loved the way his finger tips felt against my lips and across my collar bone. I loved the way his breath fluctuated with my every touch. Bring back the small touches, handholding and kissing. Could you love that urgency too?

 

 

"It hurt me so bad when she told me with tears in her eyes
He was oll she ever had and now she wanted to die…"

Here is what I can do for you. I can stop negative self talk. I know his sadness has me obsessing about my looks. Maybe I have all too frequently commented about needing to lose weight, get in shape or look younger, and you have picked up on this. If you love me the way I am, could my negative talk make you feel like you have to convince me of this love before you can touch you? Have I made myself seem uninteresting, unappetizing? Have I put so much pressure on you that you’re avoiding sex altogether? 

I can stop doing that. Sex is not supposed to be a hindrance in a relationship. It is supposed to be fun and loving. I am convinced that the urgency between us so tangible that it pricks our flesh and blood and draws us to the surface of reality. How

can I make sex lighthearted and fun again? Please, help me. 

Sin
XOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOOOXOXXOXOXOXXX