straining to speed = bad plan

Dear Diary:

I’m very…….

Frustrated. Big Bad is afraid of coitus. Well, he’s afraid of the sick, dirty feeling he is so prone to experience after coitus.

But let me explain:

Let me explain it to you. Allen’s the man. I’m the idiot. Big Bad’s the screw-up. And we’re all losers. Welcome to Steel town.

Now, as we are two very unconventional people, this has never really been a problem as we have both exchanged quite pleasant intimacies. After 3 years of exchanging pleasantries and having them be sexually intimate and not lustfully exploitive experiences I find myself very ….

Frustrated. Yeah?

I am frustrated with my fear of failure and lack thereof. I’m frustrated by my own repressed desires. I feel frustrated and powerless.

I’m frustrated by my loss of hope and lack thereof. I’m feeling disconnected from cosmic or universal energies. I’m frustrated with my failure to realize the highest potential of my situation. I’m out of touch with my own creative powers. I lack the necessary self-esteem.

Time is accelerated beyond control. Momentum cannot be diverted. I’m frustrated and allowing myself to be swept off my feet by uncontrollable lust.

Transcend all illusions of time and space by using imagination, which can take one anywhere at any time.

I find the delicate balance between trying to help Big Bad work his way through it and offering too much help to the point where it becomes intimidating to be quite challenging as of late. What with Spring blooming and all.

O.K. if I leave the couch? ‘Cause I’m gonna leave the couch now, okay? My ass is falling asleep, so I gotta go. I’m leaving.

Last weekend we had the house to ourselves. Big Bad accidentally booked dinner and a concert with his dad on the Saturday but with his mom on the menopausal war path I thought it best not to cancel though Big Bad offered (I hate all this pressure). On Sunday Big Bad fell asleep during said pleasantries not once, not twice…..no, four god damned times. Sunday Big Bad ate not one but two lobsters at his mum’s .

Naked rationalism is in the driver’s seat. I’m out of touch with my heart and inner voice. I’m bound by rules without context. I’m trapped in a hierarchy, whether at the top or the bottom.

I’m frustrated with constants bursts of imagination that requires action. I’m set asunder by creative fire.

Profound inner realization that cannot be dealt with.

I’m at the threshold of something. I can’t figure out what it is and yet I can. Dilemma. Waiting for something to happen. A temporary balance of opposite natures.

An uneasy decision about which way to proceed, perhaps between a rational versus intuitive approach. Weigh the potential rewards versus the possible dangers.

Big Bad says he doesn’t want things to be this way. Big Bad says it’s always been this way with fornication and assures me on a regular basis in very endearing ways that it’s not me. Big Bad says it’s his issue and wants to work it out with me. I find this very….. I’m very…..

Free from my prejudices, dogmatic attitudes, and fear of failure, and that’s what I need, or a lack thereof; one or the other. Self discipline and mastery over ones emotions or a lack thereof; one or the other, that’s what I need.

Suppressed creative energy waiting to burst free. External constraints provide much-needed focus. Intense mental fervor despite outward calm.

Self discipline and mastery over ones emotions or a lack thereof.

Have my obstructions or limitations productive by stimulating greater intensity of thought and a deeper sense of spiritual freedom.

Frustrated, yeah?

Obsessive focus on the task at hand (or not at hand, as the case may be and is, in my case).

Refusing to wait for the situation to develop or ripen. Demanding immediate material assistance or reinforcements.

Yesterday I was normal and today I’m like the Chinese guy from the Karate Kid. What’s with me today?

Straining to speed things up only produces anxiety, so get a grip and wait for everything to unfold according to its own timing.

Yeah…. I’m very…….

Patient, I suppose. And contradictory, as is apparent in this diatribe.

Yeah,

The Original Sin