5/12/06

i fell like shit right now. nothing has been going right in my life for the last couple of years, my dream of becoming a writer are but a simple dream now. I have been so blind to the troubles that are at my doorstep, that they have become too overbearing for the door to keep now. They have rampaged my life with no remorse, and now i am left here crying, with shame. I feel like a helpless and cowardly child hiding in the corner afraid of the mistakes i might comit, or of the trials and tribulations that may come at me in my life.

I dont want to live through that, i dont want to feel pain again, i dont want to feel loneliness again, why did so many things have to change. Everyone says its for the better, but for me its only been for the worst, i told myself i wouldnt write here about silly things like these but i have no one to talk to and writting here somewhat seems to help.

I have no reason to accept the changes that have been made. I feel betrayed by my own life. By God. Betrayed by anything and everyone, i had done so well, i had tried so hard. I no longer seem to have the strenght to get up and fight this fight. I no longer can look into the future and see one there, i cant even seem to see the past and remind myself of the happiness i once had. My world seems to have collapsed and i dont have the necessary tools to bring it back up again. I’m tired, I give up. I dont want to live, i dont want to keep seeing this everyday face in the mirror and have to change it for the world to bear me. I no longer want to go to sleep at night and hold myself tight, afraid of everything the world might throw at me at the mornings light. I want to drink myself to death, i want to smoke myself to oblivion and forget everything. My heart is no longer strong enough as to care.

The only thing i had left to keep going in this world was my dream, my goal, and now that seems more of an imposibility than a reality i can reach. Everyone says they have to put their dreams aside if they wish to live the life they can. But that WAS my life, my dreams, my hopes, that is what drove me to wake up everyday, that is what drove me to not take my life away. That is what brought me up from so many downs, that hope, that one day i would become something i could be proud of, that one day i would reach that goal that everyone and myself had set for me.

I’ve looked deep inside me and i find nothing worthwhile anymore, praying doesnt help anymore, wishing doesnt help anymore. nothing works anymore and i am becoming but a shadow of the man i was supposed to be. Listening to simple man by shinedown seems to only verify what i had feared and thought. I have let above all people, i have let my mother down. She that has so much hope, she is certain i am a stronger person than the rest, what way of showing her that i am nothing more than a cowardly dog running away from the fight. The troubles that have come seem to not want to pass, i have been that simple man, that thoughtful man that i am supposed to be. I hae been that righteous man that helps people everyday, i have been that breathe of fresh air in peoples lives to tell them there is hope, and that they must survive. That pain is not forever, and that a simple smile can bring hope to the world.

How much longer can i keep trying, how much longer can i come here and write and see nothing has changed, how much longer can i cry myself to sleep and have to wipe those tears of because i am a man. Because i am supposed to be strong, because i am supposed to be my parents pillar when they feel their world is crashing down on them. How much longer can i keep up this fake world i make for myself, how much longer can my hope last when my own soul is telling me to let go. How can i follow my heart if it will no longer respond, if it has been so brutally attacked that its hard to even hear its beat anymore. How can i love myself? if i have lost any love i had.

How can i not smile? when it has always been me that brings peoples hopes up, how can i keep telling them how great they are, if i cant even tell myself that its ok to go on. I no longer have a shelter from anything, my problems have followed me everywhere, my thoughts, my writting, my dreams, my life.