Sunday/happy in my own skin

Ok so sunday came and i was happy to get up early and surprise p with his easter basket. He liked it. i took pictures of it so when i get them back i will post it to show u all how cute it was!!! He saw it and thanked me then came back to bed and cuddled some more. We got up aroun 11 or and i made us breakfast while he finished my taxes. i made us a weird combination of chorizo and belgian waffles with strawberries. Ate then i packed us lunch so we could get going. we drove up to the mountains for the afternoon. it was ncie and relaxing and i loved it. We did argue once. about him leaving me. just got up and walked around without me and when i went to dfind him he was in the car. i was annoyed but whatever it wasnt worth a big arguement. After the mountains we came back i changed and we went to the park and played tennis. i am actually starting to enjoy tennis. i have been playing occassionally with chris but i had more fun with p cuz he doesnt just liet me win like chris does. its mre challenging with p. afterwards we went home and got on the bikes for a bit but were too tired so we did a tiny ride then came home and showered. relaxed the rest of the evening and got to bed at a decent time. i was sad my weekend was over. it was awesome. i know i eflt out a few rough spots along the way but i dont want them to be the focus of these entries. i want to remember the good not the bad. I wish i could spend every weekend like this. wrapped up together in the morning under the covers is the most perfect place to be on a sunday morning. one thing that i wanna say though is this weekend brought me enlightenment. i see how we work and i see how we dont. i see that he doesnt love me. i always have seen that but i see it more. i am not saddened by this i am just bummed out. because it all works so well. i mean we work. we just work. down to the cooking together and cleaning up together and just being there it all works. i wonder if he sees this as well. i think we are both strong feisty aries and we bicker so much but at the same time theres something abut one another that calms us. with us its like when its good its so damn good but when its bad its very very bad. i realize that by being jealous and pushy i just hurt the friendship but its so hard to sit back and watch this guy you have fallen for fall for someone else over and over again. i have made mistakes and i have put too much faith in him over the years but still something keeps me there. i went over last ngiht on his birthday and i slept there. and when we were going to bed i just rolled over and didnt cuddle like usual. and he instantly rolled over and hugged me so tightly. ANd made me feel so loved. and i wonder if he realizes what he does to me. i wonder if i do the same for him. i let him hold me and fall asleep but while he did so i faced the other way and was just saddened. so afraid of being hurt more but at the same time allowing that hurt into my life. i laid there feeling so open and vulnerable and bare and i loved it and hated it at the same time. i dunno if that makes sense to anyone but me but i hope it does. i often sit here and wonder when the day will come when someone sweeps me off my feet. but lately i am not wondering so much. i am not waiting or worrying aobut it because i think i am finally becoming content with myself. i am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin and not needing the reassurance from some guy that i am perfect just the way i am. i think for the first time in years i am ok with my single self. its a good feeling. right now i have three amazing guys in my life. first i have dave, who yeah may just wanna get in my pants but he is a good guy to talk to. chris who treats me sp wonderfully but i just dont see that spark with him and p who i endlessly and foolishly have falling in love with who i know will always be there whenver i need him. all three are so very differnt but togehter make me stronger and more complete. i know this got ramble and well went on way past sunday but i felt like a vent. if ya havent noticed from this entry i am pretty content. i am happy, feel loved and comfortable. and thats not too damn bad for this gal. 🙂